Head like a hole #3 (2013-05-19)

Dear Readers,

I can feel my anxiety coming back and I don't like it. The worst part is that usually, it's quite obvious, like a tiger, waiting in the wings, ready to pounce. This time, it has been really insidious, more like a fog, licking at my feet, slowly swirling, gathering strength until before I know it, I am choked with it.

I can feel it making me spaz and affecting things with that guy. Normally I could let things go and just wait it out- really- but I feel like I am grasping at straws, scrambling for purchase.

And then I feel him pulling away and that just makes me more spaz. But the thing is, I don't know if he actually IS pulling away, or if this is my stupid anxiety fucking with me. Because it makes me CRAZY and completely irrational and not like myself.

Classic example- he asked me out for Thursday and I couldn't go, so last night I basically pounced on him and was like 'when are we going to dinner?' and he suggested tonight. He just sent me a text changing it, asking me to a gig- which he probably would have done anyway, if I hadn't been a complete spaz and just waited for an invite.

And even now, it's niggling at me- why doesn't he want to go to dinner, does he not want to talk? Then the rational part of me tells me I am being psycho, he wants to see me, he also wants to go to more music gigs, he told me that and he has recently reconnected with his cousin who is involved in music production stuff here and invited him to this album launch, so it makes perfect sense.


So, I have asked a friend for a recommendation for a psych down here & I'm going to go asap, because this, this is totally out of fucking control. This is what it was like with Gallus and I refuse to go back to living like that.


heart - break

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