What the hell?! (2013-06-08)

Dear Readers,

Aaah, where to start? So, following the last entry, the spaz finally calmed down and I realised that it was definitely hormone related as I have been totally cool and calm about the whole thing ever since then. Which was a good thing because I didn't actually get to see him and speak to him about it all until Saturday.

And then Saturday was...interesting...I went over to his place and kinda put my cards on the table with the whole thing/clarified my little freakout from the week before as a freakout and specified what it was that I wanted.

And other than having to kind of agree to disagree on terminology- he refers to us as "really good friends" because he feels that dating implies a relationship, whereas I say we are "seeing each other" because I don't fuck my friends- it was all good.

Then we fooled around, although my body was not so keen, which was a bit annoying and then we went furniture shopping (his idea)- which I think kinda weirded us both out because it was so freaking couple-y, despite our frequent denials of that idea.

Then we went back to his place and I was going to leave, but he wanted me to stay to join him in his maiden voyage to the pool, which I did. And I won't lie, it was pretty awesome, coz I just love water and swimming and he liked seeing me in my bikini and randomly stopping me during my laps to make out.

And we swam and then went in the sauna and chatted and then swam some more and sat in the sauna some more and he touched me pretty much constantly. We went back upstairs and then he turned my functional shower in sexy fun times.

And I was standing there under the water, with his mouth on mine and his hands on my skin and everything matching up and goddamn did I want to have proper sex sex. It would have been so easy too, but the physical and emotional ramifications were too big a risk.

Then he pulled me out of the shower and went/took me to bed and proceeded to drive me out of my mind. I did unfortunately have a little freak out flashback moment, but thankfully managed to get it back. And then we talked.

I swear to god, those relaxed, post orgasmic chats are pretty freaking incredible. I talked about having my little flashback and he made sure I was okay and was impressed that I managed to get it back. I said that was down to him and his mad skills and he laughed and said "I think it was a team effort and pats on the back are in order, me for physical talent and you for mental fortitude. Yay us!" (He's such a dork, it's really cute).

Then I got serious and asked him if it bothers him that we can't do more, because it sure as hell frustrates me and he thought for a minute and then he said the most incredible thing.

"No, not really... I think you're thinking about this all wrong. If you look at your sex life like this *spans a distance with his hands* and then a "normal" person's like that *spans a slightly larger distance*, there's really not much in it except that one act. And the important part is that you can still do all the good bits....I've had a lot of meaningless sex, particularly recently and the thing that I have realised is that yeah, okay it feels good, but when it's just that bit it actually becomes kind of mechanical and...well, boring to be honest. Like there is none of this *gestures to me and himself*, no kissing, no touching, nothing really and I think that is kind of what makes it. So no, I don't think of it as being less, or something missing, because it's actually better with you, just like this."

Yeah. So that happened.

Then we went to dinner the other night and he was really tired and kinda babbling, so I knew something was weighing on him and then- as per the last bombshell- he just kind of blurted it out, that he "doesn't know how the sex stuff is going to work out between us."

This of course tapped into my greatest insecurity, so I tried to keep calm and figure out exactly what the fuck he was talking about without jumping to conclusions. The problem is, he didn't really know and so I ended up running through a massive list of options as to what and why.

And essentially it came out that he feels like the sex/sexual connection/compatibility between us is incredible and amazing, but he feels weird about it afterwards. And that is apparently because he is starting to like me too much and it is threatening his ideals of being single and keeping it casual and still dating other people etc.

Yes, that's right, the guy who wanted to keep it casual and essentially just physical and warned me not to get attached is getting attached and FREAKING OUT about it. Which explains why he gets all weird every time I talk about not being emotionally involved or invested, because, as I am coming to realise, he is.

And I thought that the outcome of all this would be that it would all end, but then he surprised me again "I can't bear the idea of not seeing you and hanging out, because I just like seeing you and spending time with you so much. And it's awesome having all of this stuff in common and I love your stories, so I want to keep doing that, but maybe we just need to have a break from the sex stuff."

Oh, he also talked about how he's "never met a woman who was so cool and understanding about everything." And he fessed up that all of this stuff that he has been doing e.g sleeping around and sex parties and whatever isn't all that great. In fact he went so far as to say that it kinda just made him feel anxious and stressed and sort of crappy, whereas he never felt like that with me, it was just amazing.

So, just to clarify, Mr super sexual, who incidentally describes himself as a slut, can't separate sex and emotions with me, so wants to keep all of the emotional stuff and go back to PG dating before it got physical. Oh except he still wants to have cuddles...and kisses...and he can't promise not to have passionate make-out sessions.

And apparently this has all come about because the 'sex' is so awesome and he likes it too much, despite the fact that we haven't even HAD sex yet. Oh yeah and NOT having sex with me is actually better than having sex with a whole bunch of other people.

I actually laughed at the irony of that. And so did he when I put it like that.

And he was all excited about when he could see me again and wanted to book that in and wants to plan all of these future dates and seriously, he is keeping me on my toes my friends.

That was definitely not the way that I expected this whole thing to go down. I think we both thought that if anyone was going to put the kaibosh on the fooling around because they were getting too emotionally involved, it would definitely be me, but no, I'm good and HE's a mess.

And again, I would assume he would just run away, but instead he wants to actually get closer and date in a more proper sense- like a saturday night date night with dinner and a movie and everything.

What the hell?!

This also came after a really intense week with breakthroughs with my physio (YAY!) and an appt with a new psych and former housemate drama and work drama and seriously, it was fucking crazy!

Any budding astrologists out there, feel free to let me know if there was some fucked up planetary alignment or something, because, seriously WHAT THE HELL?!

I guess we shall see what next week brings???

-Me

heart - break

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