So I'm going through some stuff. I'm not sure what caused it- and my Dr is at a loss too- but for some reason, or perhaps a combination of reasons e.g
the fucked up shit with that guy; the stress of being bullied at work; my dissertation; the stress with my health; being put of a super strong dose of oestrogen, take your pick, my mental health has taken a massive dive in the last month or so.
It wasn't great before I left for Greece and being on holiday kind of kept it at bay for a bit, but as soon as I got back it just swamped me and I've been pretty much out for the count ever since.
I started having these chest pains that resembled a heart attack, but without the co-occuring signs and also I am young and reasonably fit and healthy with no history of heart disease in my family so that was fucking weird and frankly terrifying- turns out that it is oesophageal spasm secondary to really severe reflux that has been brought on by stress.
I also had a breakdown at work (super fun) and had to take last week off on stress leave and generally the whole thing has been a barrel of laughs. Not.
I just wish I knew what the fuck caused it and how the hell I can stop it. They put me on anti-anxiety meds, which I only agreed to take to help me to sleep, but then they didn't do a damn thing and then the response to that was to put me on anti-depressants.
Ironically this thought actually makes me MORE depressed and increases my feelings of failure and hopelessness. That and the chances are that it will affect me really badly at the start and things will be worse rather than better and given the very very dark thoughts I am already having, I don't think that I could survive much worse than this.
Thus, I'm going to try something else and I'm writing it down here so that people know about it and also I have a record somewhere to refer back to:
- I'm going to make sure that I exercise every day
- I am going to not stress so much about my clean eating and use chocolate as a quick fix when I need it
- I am going to be honest with my friends when I am having a bad day and ask for help/organise fun things because I am much better when I am around people.
- I'm going to keep a journal of my sleep and my mood to try and remind myself that while yes, sometimes I feel like there is no sunlight in the world and it is those moments that feel all encompassing, that is not always how I feel. There are brief periods where it is kept at bay.
All of that and then hope like hell that this is over soon, because I am not myself and I do not like this. Not one bit.
heart - break