Dear Readers,

I know, it's been a long time and unfortunately this won't be long or descriptive as it's late and I'm tired but I am doing better first of all. This is mostly due to my decision to just not give a fuck about any of it. Problems solved! Not really, but it did help a whole lot.

This is not why I am writing though. No, I am here because it struck me today (not for the first time) that while a lot of people think I am very brave, in truth I am a giant wuss. Not about the stupid stuff like spiders and heights and doing new things, I'm down with all that, no worries, but with moving forward now that my treatment is pretty much done.

See, last time I saw my specialist she thought I was almost there and generally speaking I have much better control over all my muscles and while that guy from last year caused a lot of drama, he was helpful in that we worked through a bunch of shit and he thought it would probably work with someone normal sized (which he wasn't).

And my specialist said something similar, essentially that people at this point pretty much just give it a go and then usually it's okay and in the same way that the cycle fucks with you in that pain begets more pain and then the anticipation of pain ends up creating pain, it does work in reverse in that if you have a pain free experience, your body remembers that and if that was the most recent one, then you can capitalise on that and essentially just keep having good experiences.

I fucking wish!

M problem is that I am still in this fucking fear cycle that I just can't seem to break for love or money. Classic example- today I met a guy in a very random set of circumstances. He was cute (to me, coz I think he looks like Louis Theroux) and nice, if somewhat reserved. Then I found out he works for a famous newspaper, again, having good grammar and being able to write automatically makes you more attractive to me, and he does stuff for the travel section- again, someone who travels, jackpot!

Anyway, nothing major happened, but I was telling my friend as she had this going wager that she would donate $10 to my aunt's charity for every guy I chatted up. Anywho, she was saying that she would approve if I had sex with him, because of his job (she reads that paper and likes it) and while I laughed it off, inside I was PANICKING.

Like I said, I am a giant wuss. The thought of hooking up with this person- which is totally unlikely, it wasn't like he got my number or anything, he just said that we would see eachother at the festival we are both attending- absolutely terrifies me. But this is what people do and what the past year of immense amounts of work and money and specialist appointments has been working towards and yet I still question if it's what I want.

As in it definitely is in a hypothetical sense, but it's just the thought of putting it into practise that scares the shit out of me. Honestly, if I had an option to just hand over control of my body for the evening, so that someone else took over and made sure I went through with it and couldn't get in my own way and then I woke up the next day back in control, having it all be over with, that would be ideal!

Unfortunately to my knowledge that isn't possible, so I'm back to my little dance with the idea where I flirt with it like I want it and then freak out and run away whenever there is the slightest possibility it might actually happen.

Oh yeah, that's working for me. Totes.

-Me

heart - break