Here's hoping! (2014-01-24)

Dear Readers,

First of all, shouts out to the newbies and welcome to my somewhat cryptic ramblings. Feel free to send me a note and a link or password to your own words, I like to return the favour.

So, back to business. For those who have been reading for a while, this will be my usual length, e.g seriously fucking long. I would advise getting yourself a cup of coffee and possibly snacks before you settle in.

Following on from the previous entry, a few interesting things happened:

1) I bumped into that guy
2) I swallowed my pride and went up and said hi and offered to share my beanbag (they were in hot demand). He accepted and then offered to buy me a drink out of politeness.
3) The 'music' (I use the term loosely) was horrible and so we ended up going into the other room, but he still wanted to chat
4) We ended up on a spontaneous 'date' of sorts. We sat on the beanbag and chatted and he bought me dinner and more drinks- not out of politeness this time.
5) We got to know eachother and I discovered he is LOVELY and considerate and perceptive (picked up on the no drinking) and 37 and smart and yes, somewhat reserved, but when he opens up, he's quirky and goofy and great company.
6) He made me dance because he could tell I wanted to (it was better music at that point).
7) He didn't touch me for more than 4 hours and then when he did it was cuddles to keep me warm (I was shivering, so it was legit).

Thus I ended up at a music festival, lying on a beanbag, being held by a guy I met in an art gallery the day before, watching a laser show and getting PG cuddles. Whhhhaaaaat?

Then he kissed me, somewhat out of the blue. And it was unexpected (he didn't think so), but nice. And for once I didn't think, I just went with it. Until he offered for me to come back to his hotel room, then I did have a little spaz.

He was so ridiculously sweet though, we had this 10 minute conversation while I ummed and ahhed and contemplated my moral code whilst weighing up whether I would ever get another shot at this.

And he took my questioning about this concept quite well- I have no doubt I seemed a bit 'them bitches be crazy', but he confirmed that no, his colleagues would not be there and he wouldn't be telling them, so I wouldn't be the subject of office gossip. More importantly he respected what I said about not wanting to be 'that girl' and offered with the caveat that nothing would happen, he just didn't want me to go back to my BnB.

And what ended up clinching it for me was the simple fact that I didn't want to either. I LIKED his company and hanging out and he was a great kisser and knows how to give a non skeazy cuddle. So I checked I could borrow a t-shirt and he stated that he would drive me back to my BnB the next day when I offered to walk (like I said, total sweetie!) and then took my hand and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Side bar: I have mentioned this before I think, but to recap, hand holding is weird for me, I don't like it- unless I am naked and in private, go figure. But I don't know, in that context it didn't feel icky like it normally does. Still not sure what that means, but I digress!

Ended up back at his hotel which was super cool, (that is what happens when you get paid to write about travelling, people pay for you to stay in groovy places so you give them a good write up) and it might sound silly, but I was immediately reassured that he hadn't been hooking up the whole festival and definitely hadn't planned this, because it was a MESS. He had the grace to be embarrassed and then found me a t-shirt and a spare toothbrush (considerate, see!). And we brushed our respective teeth, laughing at the banality of it all.

Then he had a shower (by himself) and I got changed into his t-shirt (underwear on) which because he is so tall (6;2, yum!) actually covered my butt. And then I smiled to myself when I realised he was singing to himself in the shower, the big dork.

And he got me a glass of water and insisted that I went up the stairs first so he could watch my butt, laughing as I tried to keep pulling the t-shirt down while ascending.

Then I started feeling a bit nervous/awkward and cuddled into the pillow (he checked I didn't want to order a different one from the 'pillow menu'- I am not making this up!) but he just wanted to talk. And after more discussion about how hard it is as a girl to walk that line between not being a tease and not being a slut e.g impossible, he said that while I didn't have to do any of that, I could still 'come over here'.

And then he just held me. And rubbed my back and we talked. And talked. And talked. About how we both love Marvel comic books to which he incredulously stated 'Oh my god, you're a big nerd aren't you?' and I replied 'Oh you have NO IDEA how big a nerd I am'. About how we both got bullied in primary school. About how we both now sleep with ear plugs. About families and work and life and...well, everything!

And occasionally he would just casually kiss me mid sentence, but then go back to whatever he was saying. And he just did the cutest stuff generally speaking-

- Blowing raspberries on my tummy
- Pretending to be conscientious that I must be uncomfortable in my bra, so undoing it for me, but then letting me take it off under the t-shirt and then keep the t-shirt on.
- Stroking my hair, or my hip, or my arm- didn't grope me (at least for the first couple of hours)
-Kissing me, but never let it get too intense, had regular breaks
-Telling me funny stories and things about his life to make sure I was comfortable.
- He apologised for having a big nose- but then realised I didn't mind, so kept giving me eskimo kisses around regular kisses.
-He voluntarily pulled my t-shirt down, several times, because I was more comfortable that way.

And said funny things:
- [when I told him that this wasn't my usual MO] "It's not mine either"
-[when I laughed in his face at the previous statement] "What, you think I do this all the time?! Well, I don't, I'm not meat either you know."
-[when I commented that he was a butt man] "Mhmm, I don't know about that....I like YOUR butt though"
-[when discussing why he did take the chance and offer for me to come back with him] "Well, I could have just kissed you on the beanbag and left, but I didn't want the night to end, so....and I'm glad I did, coz now it means I got to actually know stuff about you."
- "Well, are you going to regret it more if you do do something or if you DON'T? " *eyebrow waggle*

But the most amazing thing was that he stuck to his word- although he did try to tempt me a bit. But then when we discussed it and how I was fighting with myself in that I was tempted, but I wasn't sure if I would feel like crap about myself in the morning, he came out with "Well, you sound conflicted and if you're not sure about it and are even slightly conflicted then it 's better not to."

And we went through this whole lights on, making out and then 'We're going to sleep, it's getting late' lights off...until one of us kissed the other and then lights went back on lol.

At one point in this process, when the lights had been off for a while he ended up turning them back on, not to pounce on me but "Coz I haven't SEEN you for a bit". I thought this was some kind of line, until he just leaned over and stroked my face and looked into my eyes for like 5 minutes and told me I have beautiful eyes and I got all funny and explained I'm not good at taking compliments and he replied "Well I'm not that good at giving them, so you should believe me, because I mean it."

Who IS this person? Yeah, I don't know either!

Anyway, in the end some stuff happened but there wasn't anything below the waist and in the morning I didn't regret what had happened and he woke up and gave me cuddles and didn't try to have sex with me (despite jokingly suggesting that the night before, "Coz that way you can regret it straight away").

And he drove me to my BnB and then very shyly asked if it was alright for him to hang out with me there, rather than at the airport. It was ADORABLE. And so that's what he did, drank cups of tea and showed me photos of some of his work trips and told me stuff and kissed me and rubbed my legs while we were sitting on the couch. And I won't lie, I was kinda bummed when he left- although I did desperately need to sleep.

And then, much to my surprise and delight, I have heard from him this week, but I'm not sure when we're actually going to meet up. It's kinda tricky because he is concerned about coming across as a 'skeazy old man' and of course I am trying not to be a psycho girl so it's moving at turtle's pace.

Which is perhaps not a bad thing, given I'm not sure what will actually be possible. I saw my specialist on Tuesday and we discussed that I had wanted to do stuff on Saturday, but I still wasn't sure (and didn't have any of my accoutrements with me) and she said that it was up to me, but if there was any pain, then I probably shouldn't. But overall she seemed to think that my treatment is pretty much done, there's just this little bit to go, a lot of which is psychologically habitual because I have had so many shit experiences.

SO, I am using this current reprieve to work on that and who knows, the next time I write in here, it might be because I finally managed to get it to all work.

Here's hoping!


heart - break

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