Let's get this party started (2014-04-02)

Dear MONA guy,

I'm not sure what bumping into you meant. I know it's not just random coincidence, because it was too fucking weird.

It has made me remember that I need to sort my shit out with my treatment, as I have been so sick that it has been on hold.

Or maybe it was just that I haven't been able to stop thinking about that weekend and what might have been that willed you to reappear in my life.

The worst part is that I had hoped that by focusing on all of the bad stuff, it would help me to not be interested if/when I ever saw you again. But no. Instead I had motherfucking butterflies. Which is stupid, given that I didn't have them when I met you.

Although I did have this feeling of finality. I can't describe it any other way. With the poly guy, I always knew it was temporary, it just wasn't what I wanted. And it's not that I think that you are necessarily, as I still don't know enough about you and your view on different things, and yet that time feels like some kind of marker, like an exclamation point in the middle of the sentence of life. I don't really get why, but it just felt very solid and real and important somehow.

The thing is, I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this, or how I am meant to play it. There's something here, but I just don't know how it's going to pan out and whose head is going to get in the way.

I know what I want, but I don't know how to get it, or if it's even possible. What I do have is a very very strong instinct that your role in my life is not over, but I wonder why you're here. Why did I meet you? Why did we bump into each other? If it's for the reason that I think it might be, I am slightly terrified, but also hopeful.

So come on, come to the party. Please?


heart - break

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