And the cycle repeats... (2014-05-04)

Dear Readers,

I'm feeling all kinds of fucked up. For all my bravado earlier this week, I keep playing the 'wait and see' game with MONA guy and stay in this ridiculous holding pattern. Indecision really is crippling. As is fear. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of NOT getting rejected.

I wrote before that I was ready to throw down. And maybe I was at the time, but right now I'm back to my standard ambivalence. I want it, I want to fix this situation, but I'm so fucking terrified that it's not actually fixable. Then there is my genuine concern that I wouldn't be able to handle another situation like what happened with Gallus. I truly don't think I could survive that again.

So therefore I avoid. And run. And push people away so it never even gets to the point where I will have to make a decision. Again and again. Like a spin cycle on a washing machine.

And it is so ridiculously frustrating to be so torn all of the time and to feel like it's this albatross around my neck, choking me with paralysing fear. I just want to be like normal people and to only have to worry about pregnancy and if someone likes you or just wants to have sex with you, you know, the regular stuff.

Is that too much to ask?


heart - break

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