Precipice (2014-11-19)

Dear Readers,

Oh dear, so much is going on. My anxiety got better, but now I am on a new pill, so I am back to that feeling of a shadow, lurking in the background, waiting to swallow me whole. Lack of sleep hasn't been helping this.

In other news, I'm starting to get worried that I am on the edge of falling for a friend of mine. It's so ridiculously complicated, but in a nutshell:

We are hanging out. A LOT. And spending lots of time together doing date like things (movies, dinner, walks, breakfast).

He is the sweetest, most genuinely lovely guy I have ever known. He also just has this thing. It sounds insane, but he has this super calming effect on people. When I'm around him I feel like everything is going to be okay and I feel totally safe and secure, with zero anxiety. That never happens!

We have shitloads in common. Movies, music, TV shows, values, the whole shebang.

He is hot, and I am attracted to him. Although it's more for intimacy than for sex. (Although that may also be due in part to the fact that we've never even kissed.)

BUT…and there are some major counterpoints to all of this:

We are kinda in different life stages. He's just finished studying and is about to start a grad position. If something happened with us, I would probably never see him for that first year.

I am trying to up the ante and touching him more (I swear, sometimes I just want to rub against him like a cat and be held, so that I can absorb this aura of peace that he has like a sponge. Do not underestimate how much of a pull that is for me) and while he doesn't move away, he's so sweet and respectful it doesn't end up going anywhere either.

He's so passive, and so nice that it confuses the fuck out of me- is he interested, and waiting for me to make the move, or just too nice to tell me to back off??

And then there's the niggling doubts that I have about the whole thing as a concept (that aren't to do with him really at all):

Is this all just because I am lonely and he is there?

What would I actually do with him if I had him? The more I am alone, the more I feel like I am just not built for relationships. I'm too grumpy/neurotic/introspective to deal with another person and have to modify my moods for them.

Now that I am 30, I don't feel like I can dick about any more. But would I actually want it to be that serious? Like he's amazing, but THE guy?? Yeah, not sure on that one! And like I said, can I really afford to potentially waste a bunch of time if it's not going to go anywhere?

And thus I am in a holding pattern. Things are definitely different, but I am wussing out on actually calling him on what the hell we are doing. And so we continue to basically go on dates but not call them that and not do any touching beyond hugs. It's fucking weird.

Any thoughts guys, I am all ears!

-Me

heart - break

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