I started writing in here last night and then changed my mind and now the entry I am going to write is somewhat different.
I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like I am just going in circles with Friend Guy. Vibe, no vibe, dating other people, not dating other people, vibe again. I think I have a handle on the situation but then how I react in the moment takes me by surprise.
Take today. I wanted to cuddle him again today. Not kiss him, never kiss him, just snuggle into his arms and breathe him in. I settled for hugging him a lot (which he reciprocated). He was being super sweet and seemingly keen (vibe), right up until he got shifty about leaving early. I am 99% sure he is on a date/hooking up at this very moment, and yet I could have sworn on my life that as of 2pm he had feelings for me.
And when I think about him hooking up with someone, it doesn't bother me, but when I think of him being with someone else properly and long term, it does- but not for the reasons you might think, because something like jealousy would be normal and make sense. No no, I get worried that if he is with someone else, there won't be room for me and I will never get to see him.
The whole thing is weird. I feel like I have a split personality with this and I just can't seem to resolve it within myself.
Don't believe me? Here are the apparently irreconcilable thoughts that keep coming up:
I think he is amazing
I think he is clueless and that often comes across as selfish
I don't miss him when I don't see him for a long time (e.g. several weeks)
When I see him all the time, I like it and don't get sick of him
I think he is good looking
I can't imagine kissing him, let alone having sex
I want to cuddle up to him and touch him (non sexually) almost every single second I am in his presence. I would love to sleep (as in actually sleep) with/next to him.
I feel very safe and comfortable, like with my James, or one of my brothers
I want to hold hands sometimes (that is a big deal, I HATE handholding).
I don't feel like we communicate very well a lot of the time
I enjoy his company 95% of the time
I feel like he is really passive and it irritates me the remaining 5% of the time
He's very sweet and caring and tries to be considerate in person
He is totally crap with money and sometimes ends up taking advantage as a result
When he is with me, he is there and totally focused on me and what I am saying etc. But we are apart I feel like he doesn't give a shit
I feel like he wants to hug me a lot, but he never initiates touch
I feel like he gets jealous sometimes (but perhaps doesn't know why)
Bottom line: I feel like he does like me, but for reasons unknown isn't doing anything about it and dating other people instead. And provided it's not serious, I am totally fine with that. But if he were to say move in with someone= crazy fire breathing psycho dragon.
I am so messed up :/