Dear Readers,

Can I just say, not having notes SUCKS GIANT BALLS. Please take that under advisement Andrew, ta.

I have been reading entries and wanting to comment and I can't and it makes me crazy- danger spouse, if you're reading this, I have a note mentally written for you once the whole thing is back online (seriously Andrew, this needs to happen, it's a matter of urgency for those of us who rely upon this online community of misfits for our regular dose of compassion/commiseration and/or random bonding over the ridiculous).

So, I talked to Friend Guy's ex last night/this morning about the whole situation. She thinks we do have feelings for each other so we should just date and be done with it. She told me the story about how they got together- I knew the vague outlines, but not the specifics. He basically got jealous and stopped her going on a date with someone else, 'You can't go, you should go on a date with me instead' and I just can't imagine him ever taking that step with me. And when I do think about it, it freaks me out.
Example: she was trying to prove that I do like him 'like that' and she said that if he turned around and asked me out tomorrow, I would say yes. Just her saying that and me visualising it made my heart rate increase and I felt vaguely sick. The thought doesn't make me excited, just anxious.

How can I want intimacy and comfort with someone to such a degree and yet feel so freaked out about it actually occurring in the regular romantic sense?

I had this thought at like 2am this morning about that in relation to my sexual response. I can be attracted to people, but it is pretty rare for me that I want to just rip someone's clothes off. And yeah, my sexual history is consistent with that sort of response, abuse=reticence, but it's not always the case.

I was desperately attracted to MONA guy- not at the start, but after we started talking. I was stoked when he kissed me- because his big brain and intelligent banter was a crazy amazing turn on. Yet when we were actually hooking up, I did that thing where I pretty much had an out of body experience.

It's hard to describe, but in essence I find it very hard to be sexual and still present. Like everything is happening through a pane of glass, or I am outside myself watching someone touch me. Except when I am not actually in any way emotionally involved. Poly guy= amazing sex, no emotional attachment, and bizarrely totally present.

I've only managed the combo of feeling emotionally connected to someone AND sexually attracted and present twice and both times I had to really work on it, as initially it didn't happen.

So maybe that's it: I can be interested in a sexual relationship OR intimacy and emotional closeness, but they are mutually exclusive. Wanting/having one blocks off the other.

It certainly makes sense with Friend Guy and I think it might give me my answer about what I want, finally.

Thanks for listening guys, good chat.

-Me

heart - break