Bigger fish (2015-07-09)

Dear Readers,

So I haven't spoken to Friend Guy. A whole bunch of shit went down and I had bigger fish to fry. I thought I might lose my job- or at the very least face disciplinary action- for a week and a half.

A week and a half.

I managed to get it sorted, but needless to say, that was kinda stressful and super intense. The week after I had two patients in the hospital, one of them in the ICU.

My best friend's marriage is disintegrating (I just got back from spending the week with her for moral support) and to top it all off I have been sick for the better part of two months with a nasty virus feeding into tonsillitis feeding into some other kind of throat bullshit and am on my 3rd round of antibiotics.

The good news is that my episode is definitely done, as I only had one night of really bad anxiety- which my psych felt was pretty normal and understandable under the circumstances and even then it was the day before I thought I would find out about the possible job loss. I think a little bit of anxiety is justified, don't you?

The shitty part is I still feel kinda crappy. Because I was sick I haven't been able to exercise and my skin went to shit because I ate like crap at my best friend's house. I know what I need to do and I know that exercising and eating well is the best thing for my mental AND physical health, but motivation day to day is tricky, particularly when you don't see any changes/differences.

There are also other things that are cosmetic and stupid, but really affect how I feel about myself. I am trying to sort them out, but there's not that much I can do about most of it. I am thinking I will need to go and see a dermatologist, but I have been giving myself (and my wallet) a bit of a break from specialist appointments.

Sigh. I just feel like a rat on a wheel with my health/body sometimes. It's not just about weight either, but my hair and my skin (which was pretty much flawless until last year). And while yes, I know there is more to me than what I look like, it is an unfortunate fact of life that it affects people's perception of you.

Tinder has not helped this, it has just served to make average guys think that they can be picky and ditch anyone who isn't 'perfect'. We've all seen those stories, completely normal women who have been fat shamed and I can absolutely guarantee that the guy is no Joe Mangiello. This is why I hold no truck with Tinder, because if I want to meet some arsehole who just wants to sleep with me and then treat me like shit afterwards, I can do that in person. Fact.

I try to remind myself in these moments that I have met- and no doubt will continue to meet- plenty of randoms who ask me out and think I am hot (it's the boobs, tiny waist, ghetto booty combo) but it's annoying when I am stressed and antsy and just want someone to play with without the headfuck.

I have been subtly working on a guy I met the other month, who I have definite vibes will be worth my while, so we shall see how that goes. He's a long time friend of a friend so I have to be cautious.

I don't think he's hot, but he's smart and nice and most of all INTERESTING. It is exceptionally rare that anyone (male or female) actually piques my interest and he definitely indicated he found me interesting, even after I made a dirty joke (my litmus test), so *shrugs*. Most importantly my radar tells me he knows what he is doing, which is my #1 criterion, after me feeling comfortable, and I don't get any dodgy vibes (aside from the fact he has been vouched for by two different friends). So yes, I am investigating this further and I will keep you all posted.

Forgive me for this entry of asinine whinging, I am PMSing up a storm I think. Being a girl is bullshit, I'm sure you'll all agree.


heart - break

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