Dear Readers,

I went on a date today. And, well, hmmmm. I was actually excited about this one beforehand and then during and after, I'm was/am a bit…hmmmm…I just... don't know about him. This is partially because he was so hot and cold, but also because I don't know if he is too reserved for me. I had a little interaction with our waiter- not flirty, just funny and ridiculous- and he reacted quite strangely.

One of the changes of mindset that I mentioned previously comes into play here. If this had happened a month or so ago, I would have blamed myself and analysed my behaviour and regretted what happened, but now, here's the thing: I didn't do anything wrong. This is the kind of thing I would do (and have done) whether on a date or not.

I am an extrovert, I bounce off of people, I love random interactions and I am a giant goofball a lot of the time. If that turned him off, or he took it the wrong way, there's nothing I can do, because I was being myself. And incidentally, I don't know that he did enough to impress ME. He walked me to my car, which was sweet, but he also said a few things that were kinda intense and inappropriate for a first date (talking about domestic violence and being kinda dismissive about it as an issue for instance).

I'm so used to internalising rejection- as are we all- that I think sometimes I don't stop to really think if I actually even liked them that much. With this guy, I have stopped and thought about it and I'm not going to lie, I'm on the fence. He was cute-ish, yes. And we talked about a lot of stuff, yes. But did I feel chemistry?….mhmm, not so much. Did I feel like we share values? Not really.

I don't know, chemistry is tricky for me, because I am so dissociated from my sexual response a lot of the time, I often don't really feel it until I either a) know someone a bit better and it's grounded in emotion, or alternatively b) I'm naked and things are happening and it's either ok, or really really NOT OKAY.

And while the values thing is not necessarily a big deal in the initial stages, a couple of the things he said- that he brought up- were kinda red flags for me. I feel like he's a bit right wing conservative and I just don't know if we gel. I think we can chat and we could be friends, but I think he would feel very challenged by me, even if I wasn't really challenging him if we were more than that.

So, I think I'm just going to wait and see if he can step up and impress me, and if not, I'm not going to worry about it. This is new for me, I'll let you all know how it goes.

-Me

heart - break