Dear Readers,

Oh so much to say, but lacking the vocabulary to accurately encompass it. I have my first day off tomorrow, now that I have reduced my time fraction. It's weird. I feel lazy, even though I have a giant fucking to do list and I will be working on Saturday morning.

And there was a guy floating around that I kinda liked, but he disappointed me and so he is now on the shelf until he decides to get his shit together.

Meanwhile I did that thing that I do every so often, where I tempt the fates and go 'I just want someone to play with'. Cue guy. Every. Single. Time. Sigh.

Look it's not all bad. He texts me constantly, my friends think he is hot and we talked for two hours the other day, freakishly easily too. And yet, the ambivalence is overwhelming. I literally feel like I have a split personality with this shit at times.

Part of this is definitely him- he oscillates between being sweet and goofy and funny to RIDICULOUSLY SEXUAL in about 2 seconds flat. This turns me off, because I am hyper sensitive to sexual dominance and pushiness, but on the flip side, he wasn't like that when we actually talked, it seems to only be a text thing.

He describes himself as a feminist and he went for a full rant about it- unprompted- so I believe him, but at the same time, he is just incredibly ignorant about how dangerous and fucked up stuff is for girls.

And he is so completely open and asks these really intense personal questions, because he is insanely curious and as previously stated, he just doesn't get it about the very real threat of sexual violence that women live with on a daily basis. These things make me cautious.

And this is where I am not sure what may be me and my history. Like can most girls just handle someone talking about their butt, and asking them if they like to dominate, and intimating that they are going to have crazy awesome sex every fifth sentence?

At the same time it is a bit weird because he is smart and funny and we DO share values and had similar upbringings- just in different countries. He's not my normal type, but I do like his dimples and I am literally his idea of a dream woman physically (or so he says). As in he likes white, curvy blondes who are taller than average. He LOVES ghetto booty, likes someone who is intelligent, and is OBSESSED with glasses.

He was totally unfazed that I don't drink and respected that I needed to schedule our date around my pilates schedule, which frankly shocked me. And did I mention that he calls me when he says he will and texts me every day, usually first thing to say good morning and last thing to say good night?

He ticks a lot of boxes, but it's just that he takes things a bit too far with the sexual texts and then I feel really uncomfortable and don't really know how to deal with it. If he could dial it back, even just a little bit, say from a 10 to more like a 7, I would be way more into him than I am.

Sigh. And then there was him lying really weirdly about having kids, when he doesn't. He was apparently playing a joke and thought it was funny, but I was like what the ACTUAL fuck?!

But we talked about dick pics and he agreed with me that they are bizarre and stupid- because only gay men are actually interested in that sort of thing. And he sends me lots of shirtless photos (usually with a vague connection to what we are talking about) but NEVER anything below the waist and he hasn't ever asked me for photos or anything like that and was honestly horrified when he heard that guys do that whole demanding nudes thing.

So my issues are that:
#1 (with a bullet) I don't know that I feel safe with him.
#2 I don't know how much of this is my standard anxiety and recalcitrance about the whole sex thing.
#3 I don't know what he wants from me- if it's purely sexual or not.
#4 I don't know what the hell to do with this guy- if I write him off as being a sex crazed douche and leave him to the Tinder skanks, or if I see it as an opportunity a la Poly Guy.

Sigh. My romantic shit is a mess.

-Me

heart - break