My body, my rules (2016-02-17)

Dear Readers,

So, my anxiety has been pretty shit the last few days. Or more accurately really intense in the mornings over the last few days. This may be because I have hurt my back, which means I am on day 4 without exercise and going nuts. It may be because I am in pain due to said back injury. It may be because I am not sleeping super well. It could be all of the above.

But I am thinking a lot of it has to do with that guy. The Cue Guy, not the airport one (no contact from him. Oh well). We went on a date last week and he was totally different. So respectful and sweet and totally into me- which is obviously nice.

But then he kinda cooled after the date. Or more backed off I think, because I was quite cautious on our date. This is partially because the dude is the most physically affectionate person I have ever met. EVER. I thought Poly Guy was touchy feely, but he's nothing on this dude.

He hugged me straight off the bat, then stroked my shoulder about 2 minutes in. Then took my hand 10 minutes in and proceeded to hold it for the entire rest of the date, playing with my hands, stroking them, holding one hand and stroking up my arm with the other hand etc.

He kept trying to pull me in for a cuddle, which didn't really work due to the biomechanics of our respective heights and the couch we were sitting on, but eventually he just asked me to come closer and I had to turn around, so that essentially he was holding me from behind. In short, he touched me more in that hour and a half than I have been touched collectively in the past 6 months, to the point where I smelled like him afterwards. It was intense.

And I was proud of myself, I didn't freak out about it. I did kind of go into dissociative mode and took a step back mentally and just tried to process it, but I didn't pull away, or get anxious, or run. My psych was shocked and impressed, given my history that I just sort of sat with it. To be honest, so was I.

The thing was, I didn't really respond to it either. I allowed it, but I didn't participate in it. This is strange for me, I normally don't just sit there, but I think this is due to the fact that I don't really know the guy and I was focusing more on whether or not I felt safe and if I should stop him from touching me.

And I concluded that I was okay, but I was a bit overwhelmed by it, just because it was like going from the desert to the ocean in two seconds flat. I didn't expect to be swimming that quick!

Anyway, we are meant to be going out again tonight, but I am kinda on the fence. He got sort of demanding via text again on the weekend. I wasn't playing and he was drinking and it was not the best scenario. Then we kinda got it back on Monday and then last night he was sort of funny again and we had a misunderstanding.

I'm not sure if I'm the girl for him and more importantly I am reasonably sure he's not the guy for me. Like he's definitely not relationship material, so I was considering him more for playmate purposes anyway. The difficulty is that I have a standard to be met in order for that to happen and I just don't know that he makes the cut.

What I have been trying to figure out is whether this is me freaking out and pushing away a chance/option, or is it me exercising my right to chose? My very real trepidation about being intimate with someone again kinda clouds this issue.

The irony is that if Airport Guy was texting me, I would be all in. That man does things to my insides and because of the connection I feel, I would do bad bad things to him given the opportunity. Connection/desire would trump fear I think.

Maybe that's the issue. I don't feel that way about this guy. I think he is attractive- despite not being my type- but I don't feel any kind of connection. And he taps into a lot of my triggers and anxiety because he is so overtly sexual and I don't know that he would come to the party in terms of backing off if I needed a minute physically or emotionally.

Like Poly Guy was super sexual, obviously, but he was also super respectful and there was no pressure. This guy unfortunately comes across as pushy- at least via text. And he says that he is joking, but there's been a couple of times in the last few days where I feel like there's been an undercurrent of pouting and male privilege shit going on.

I hold no truck with that. You want to fuck me, no problems, but you better believe I decide if, when, and how that will happen, not you. My body, my rules. As soon as you demand, or think that you are OWED it in some way, it's game over, so this guy is playing a dangerous game.

Okay, this is good. Pissed off is good, it kicks the anxiety back into submission. I will go tonight, but with my kick ass mindset in effect.

Thanks for listening guys, good chat.


heart - break

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