Dear Readers,

Sooo, things didn't work out with Player #3, partially because of me and mostly because of him. I did get a motorbike ride out of it that was fucking amazing and made me super happy, but otherwise it kind of messed with my head.

Which is weird, because in the end, I decided I didn't really like him that much- truly. As in, it was enough to go on another date, but acknowledging he was most likely bound for the friend zone, possibly without benefits.

And I realised on Friday why I was so hung up on it- the dude reminded me of Gallus. I saw things in him I haven't seen/experienced since Gallus and they are things I didn't even know that I had been missing.

So I have been a bit down about everything and have decided to take a break whilst trying to sort of sort it all out in my head. Then I had a shitty psych session about it all on Saturday and last night my good friend (who is doing a dip ed in mental health stuff and is generally wise and amazing like my own personal Buddha) pointed out that a break wouldn't be a bad idea, more to allow me to kind of figure out what I am actually wanting from all this and what I want in a person.

I doth protested extensively, but then I thought about it and I realised that I kind of date pretty much anyone providing they aren't a smoker, or a complete sleaze or arsehole. (Or they manage to hide that they are a complete sleaze for a date or two at least.) But underneath that, they are actually really incompatible, which means that I go on a LOT of first dates, but it doesn't tend to go any further- frequently by my choosing.

Part of this is just the nature of the beast, as it was so eloquently put by another friend of mine 'Dating is basically about finding out how dumb someone is'. I don't often KNOW these guys, so I go on a date to find out. My most successful dates of the last year were from the dating challenge when they were vouched for by a friend, but generally you are going in pretty blind.

But part of it is definitely me. In trying to be open to things, I have perhaps gone too far the other way. If I'm really honest, the majority of the time I have known before I even went on the date that this person wasn't for me. (And before anyone thinks that I am doing it for free meals, I usually go dutch on these things.)

And it can be disheartening, so I think perhaps it's time to try something else.

My psych asked me if I had learned anything about myself, or particularly enjoyed the process and I said no- apart from the motorbike ride- but that's not entirely accurate. Most of them- the ones I had my reservations about from the start, didn't work out, as I figured, but I learned some things.
I'll take the last year or so of dates:

Croatian guy- I don't like people I think are mean/unnecessarily cruel. That dude tortured his staff because he thought it was funny and it turned me off in a major way.

Turkish guy; friend of a friend 1- Sometimes people are nice, but boring. I need someone I can have a conversation with.

Friend of a friend 2; lickable shirt guy- Sometimes, you can get along, but you just don't have chemistry, even when you want to. I don't just want a friend.

Vegan guy; gold glasses guy; Eeyore guy- A helluva lot of guys have no social skills. And frequently undiagnosed mental health issues. I need someone social, who can handle life and vaguely has their shit together.

Conservative guy; touchy feely guy- I don't like judgemental people. I need someone who is open minded and non judgemental- of me, and other people.

Autistic guy- If I think someone has autism, they probably do. These people are not for me (see social skills above).

Hot Safa guy- Sometimes, it is me, but there are things I can't change (e.g alcohol intolerance) and don't want to (the tenants of my personality). I will never be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok, I just need to not beat myself up about it.

This brings me to Motorbike guy. As stated, I think it was partially me and partially him. He's a giant bogan, has a huge chip on his shoulder about middle class people (e.g. everyone), and can't handle stress. He totally freaked out about something little and kinda took it out on me. While this happens and is how some people react to stress, it did concern me. If this is how he reacts to something little (taking a wrong turn), how the hell is he going to deal with something big?

This also reminded me of Gallus, in a bad way- he couldn't deal with stress and would just withdraw and then get snappy and angry with me, even when I had nothing to do with it. It was not good for my anxiety and I really struggled to live with that at the time, I definitely couldn't do it now.

On the flip side, Motorbike guy is a true gentleman and has this strong protective instinct- which I didn't realise until now, but is something I have really missed about being with Gallus. He always protected me and he always made me feel really safe. And that my friends, is fucking hot.

Motorbike guy is not a small guy (6'3, not skinny) and yet I just felt safe. I got on the back of a bike with a guy I barely knew and had my entire body pressed up against his body (riding pillion is super intimate y'all) and I wasn't worried at all. If he'd taken his stupid helmet off at the end I would have seen where it went and if there was any chemistry when I kissed him.

And if I am brutally honest, knowing what I think I know about his personality, there are things I could have played better. Generally speaking I was myself, but I possibly should have reined in parts. I didn't act impressed enough and I did laugh a lot- because things were funny, but he did take it badly, accusing me of laughing at him. I assured him that I wasn't- because I really wasn't!- but could have done a better job. In hindsight, he was quite lovely at his core, underneath the bogan ranting, and I could have played the game a bit more.

But at the end of the day, shit happens. And I also want someone who can take a joke and laugh about stupid stuff, like 10 different people jay walking in front of us while he made me wait for the green man, and not take things personally. I am a big goofball, it is how *I* deal with stress. And also, to be frank, it's what helps me to deal with the shit that I see.

You can't deal with the crazy crap that I do and not have it affect how you see the world. Some people drink, or do drugs, or seek oblivion, instead, I see things through a veil of amusement and I will ALWAYS choose to see the funny side. It has gotten me through a helluva lot of tough stuff so far. And the truth is that when you see the horror that I have, pretty much everything else seems petty and you can laugh about it, if you choose to.

Case in point: I totally stacked it at dinner the other night. In front of an entire restaurant of people, I might add. It was not small, it was not graceful, and it was super embarrassing. But nobody was hurt- including me- so I just chose to laugh it off. And the waitress brought me a complimentary glass of champagne because she was so impressed with how I handled it. If that had been motorbike guy, there would be no coming back, it would have ruined the entire evening- and over what?

SO what have I learned?

I need someone who:
-Is non judgemental
- Is intelligent
-Can see the funny side/isn't serious ALL the time
-Is a kind person, who treats other people with respect
-Is a gentleman in the true meaning of the word. Not necessarily paying for stuff or opening doors, but being thoughtful and considerate and protective.
-Can communicate, even when things are tough/stressful. Doesn't just freak out and shut down.
- Has social skills
-Can have a conversation and ideally banter with me
-Respects women as a whole & is a feminist
- Is attracted to me and who I have chemistry with

Now I just have to find it…

-Me

heart - break