Dear Readers,

So I went on a first date with a new guy today. Yes, I know, ANOTHER one. Seriously, even I am losing track. Look, he was fine, but honestly, I just wasn't in the game. I was barely flirting, I just couldn't be bothered.

I'm not sure that I am going to hear from him and to be honest, I'm not sure that I mind.

It did get me thinking though, about just how many dates I have been on this year and the fact that I have been pretty smeh about most of them and the others were more like OH HELL NO. Like the super racist guy the other week who suggested that black people clearly aren't as smart as other people because they (according to him) consistently score lower on IQ tests (What the ACTUAL fuck?). Yeah. That happened. Yuk.

Generally speaking though, these guys are falling somewhere in the middle, not horrible, but not great either. It's all just…beige. And I don't think it's my mental health because other stuff still has highs and lows, it's just guys where I am like ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I went on a second date with the Doctor guy from the last entry- the booty call one stuffed me around with lots of 'Yes…no…yes, but I have no time…no don't go!' BS, so he has been written off. His loss!- anyway, the Doctor one and I had lunch again, sushi this time. And I had a really really nice time…but I didn't want to jump him *sigh*.

And again I go back to this space of not knowing if it's them, or if it's me and I am just not able to feel real attraction because of all of that shit in my past. It's damn annoying. As is the guilt because I feel like I am leading him on- even though I really haven't been, we have just been getting to know each other.

Sigh. Why can't I ever be sure with these things? All of these people meet these people and talk about how they 'Just knew'. How? How did you know? Because legit, I have never been that sure about anybody. Ever.

My kingdom for certainty. For serious guys, it would really help!

-Me

heart - break