Dear Readers,

So I met two new guys this weekend. One looked great on paper and he arranged for us to go on a proper date. The other I had basically written off as being too young, too metro, didn't have his shit together etc etc. He kept asking me to hang out and I kept saying no- usually due to short notice- but he persevered.

Yeah, so guess whose bed I ended up in last night?

That's right, the guy I NEVER would have gone for if I was going by black and white stats, and whom with I wouldn't haven't been matched online in a million years. He hasn't finished uni, he's 3 years younger than me, he lives in this fully trendy area for hot young things, he's from a city that I dislike because it's full of pretentious snobs, his photos make him look like a party guy, he plays rugby and AFL (ugh), he's not much taller than me…I could go on.

And yet he had me laughing harder than I have laughed in years. He's cheeky and irreverent and playful, but also has this sensitive serious side that comes out every so often. He wanted to know things about me and was very open about himself. He was really non-judgemental and considerate, wanting to chat about things and wanting to know how I felt about stuff and checking in that I was okay.

Like I alluded to some stuff, but didn't go into major detail, but he picked when I was getting stressed and we chatted about my anxiety and his medical thing and he took me being a bit spazzy with remarkable aplomb. He was very reassuring and wanted to talk stuff through. He loves to cuddle and was totally unfazed by a couple of things that most guys would baulk at. Oh and did I mention HE PREFERS TO TALK ON THE PHONE?!?!

And despite not thinking that I would ever hook up with an online random on the first date, because I have never ever clicked so quickly that I would jump into bed with someone, there I was, naked in his arms and having a grand ol time. Multiple orgasms for the win my friends!

He's very giving sexually and surprisingly skilled for his age- although I discovered last night that he has actually dated a lot of older women (I owe them a drink if we ever cross paths, they have taught him well). He did push the boundaries a lot, but in such a subtle organic way that I barely noticed in the moment.

We basically started to have proper sex sex and I was like- 'woah woah, we have a couple of things to chat about before that happens'. And he was fine with it, but it honestly surprised me how quickly things escalated and how I wasn't freaked out about it. As in, I was, more because I am not on the pill and we didn't have condoms, but not for emotional reasons e.g. worrying it would be shit, worrying that he would treat me badly afterwards etc.

Unfortunately it did hurt like a mofo, which was a bit annoying. And a couple of other things also weren't super comfortable- possibly because I was so up in my head, possibly because I wasn't expecting them. Either way, I feel like penetrative sex is back on the cards in a big way and I am not 100% sure on how to handle it.

Like I told him I would need some time to work up to that and he said he was happy to wait, but then in the moment we both got carried away and suddenly I was having to put the breaks on in a more definitive way. We also talked about what happened with Gallus and how it has scarred me for life and he pretty much took it in his stride. I think if this continues we will have to have The Chat about the dark and spiky things, but I think that he will be fine about it all, I just logistically don't know what to do.

Specifically- should I tell him, and which parts, and when? I sort of alluded to the whole fact that penetration is not always super fun, but I am not sure if I have to explain the whole vaginismus thing, or if with some time, and the right position and lube, I can just roll with it.

I cannot describe how easily it would have been to just allow it to continue this morning. It has been a damn long time and yet it was like riding a bike. He is also good at lining shit up handsfree and suddenly I was like 'Gak, we have to stop!' And we talked about how we had talked about not doing that and I got a bit stressed out that maybe he was trying to force the issue, but he backed off no biggie, so I think the problem is he just kinda goes with it in the moment.

I suppose this is how normal people have sex, when they don't have to think about stuff? We did discuss diseases (we're both clean from our last results, but he offered to go and get tested again) and contraception, and turn ons (which were near identical), and turn offs, and preferred positions, and pretty much everything else, so it's not that he won't talk about things, it's more that he can have sex arms wide open so to speak.

The dude is really uninhibited and open and so he was truly perplexed when I got stuck in my head. He respected it and talked it through, but there are certain things that didn't/wouldn't occur to him. And I am just not like that. I think everything through. I am so tightly controlled and completely up in my head.

This kinda got in the way of round one. He was doing all the right things, but I just couldn't let go. And he didn't take it personally, and we did chat about it and he just tried again later. And it worked the second time- and HOW, my stomach muscles are actually sore from the length and intensity heheheh.

So now here I am, with the potential for this shit to really happen. And I am cautious, but surprisingly not as freaked out as I have been/thought I would be. Like I said, my thoughts in the moment weren't what I thought they would be. I was like 'Shit, pregnancy!' but not holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit I can't do this/I can't handle this/glass case of emotion/run away. I think that is what I can't wrap my head around- I didn't want to run last night/this morning. Not once.

How the fuck does that work? I just meet someone who makes me laugh and despite pushing the envelope I'm not afraid? And more importantly, what do I do about this? Go through with it because the emotional stuff is okay, despite the fact physically it's not (still- grrrrh)- because I might not feel this way again?

Hmmm, thoughts to ponder.

-Me

heart - break