Complicated (2016-09-02)

Dear Readers,

So, first things first. No, I did not get to misbehave. And he still has my earrings. Damnitt! This is what I get for dallying with someone 4 years younger than me. Never again. Still, multiple orgasms, so not a complete loss…

There are also other players on the scene, so it's all fine really, except I am still doing that thing where I am not really interested in any of them.

Well, maybe one of them, but then I stop and think about it and go hmmm. He has a kid- which is my cardinal rule of dating, no children- he is also short, which is fine in theory but I literally have no idea how I could have sex with this person. As in logistically speaking, he is skinnier than I am, and we are the same height. Shit would be weird.

At the same time we get along and he possesses certain combinations of qualities that are very rare and therefore very attractive. For instance, he is a total intellectual BUT NOT SUPER SERIOUS. He is PLAYFUL, which I am a sucker for. But I don't know, he's kind of flaky which turns me off, and secretive which worries me.

So when he disappears for a couple of days, my nihilistic side goes into full swing and I just feel like texting and being like 'Ok, nice knowing you.' But then he does pop back up. And he has a chronic illness (not fatal), so it's hard to know how much slack to cut him.

I am aware that I am generally 1000% harsher and more rigid with people I date than I am with friends, so I am trying to bring that more in line in this case. But then yes, I think, what is the point, there's the kid after all…

Sigh, I guess we'll see what happens. Or doesn't as the case may be.

In the meantime 2016= year of breakups. In the past 6 months there has been:

My brother who was engaged
My aunt and uncle who have been married for 12 years
A friend at work who has been with her partner for 10 years and they bought a house earlier this year
Another friend from work is very much on the rocks and I don't see that surviving. They have been together 6 years and have a house and a dog.
A colleague from work who was married with kids
A friend overseas who had been with him for 4 years
The son of one of my colleagues, who got married 3 years ago
The daughter of another one of my colleagues who has been with her partner for 10 years

And my aunt that I was super close to died, so I have been a bit of a mess. I guess you can count that one too, as my uncle is now a widower and we are all unsure as to how he will function without her.

Anyway, I can't remember where I was going with all this, except that it's all kind of been swirling around my head...

-My desire for a partnership that is actually a partnership, without having to be controlled, or alternatively take care of someone all the time
- How much I would love to have that support
- How the fuck do you even find that these days?
- How many people are in shit relationships?
-How many people are in great ones, but it's still really damn hard?
- How much worse it would be to 'have someone' but then not have them have your back/support you (I am not talking financially)
-Whether I would ever relax enough/trust enough to actually rely upon someone to be there.
- If you become dependent on someone, if you truly let them become a part of your life, what do you do if you lose them?

Life and love is complicated friends.


heart - break

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