There is no 'just' (2016-09-19)

Dear Readers,

There's been a lot going on. Since the last entry there's been another break up. There was something that happened before that that I haven't really been able to talk about. My aunt died suddenly, in horrible shitty circumstances. And I didn't get to say goodbye. And I can't even explain what I want to say or how it felt/feels.

The shittiest thing has been that because she was 'just' an aunt and not 'immediate family' people 'just' don't get it.

This woman was just phenomenal as a person.
She was just always there for me.
She just took me in when my 'immediate family' went to shit and I had a breakdown.
She just literally and figuratively watched over me during said breakdown.
This woman just treated me like her own child, or grandchild (it's hard to quantify to people who didn't know her).
She just took me in at Christmas, so I didn't have to see my abusive father. I just spent every Christmas with her ever since (except when I was O/S).

And I just miss her. Not all the time, but at these random moments that catch me off guard and make me breathless and panicky. I worry that I am forgetting things, like her laugh (more of a cackle really), and the way her eyes would twinkle (evilly), and the velvety feel of her cheek when I kissed her.

I still remember her in her chair, holding court, on the edge of the kitchen, but front and centre in front of the door, so she could see everyone come in (and they would come and kiss her first), but still be bellowing distance to the lounge, running everything. She would gesture with one finger and give directions with her walking stick, and this natural mixture of love and utter authority. Her word was law and she knew what she was about son, Ron Swanson style.

I still remember her voice and the sound of her walking stick on the lino. I remember her presence, as stupid as that may sound. Walking into her house and feeling the hole where her giant personality once was, confirmed that to me.

I don't know if I will ever not feel her absence. I'm shattered that if I ever have a child, they will never know her and she won't get a chance to spoil the shit out of them and sneak them lollies and chocolates when I am not looking.

So anyone who tries to tell me she was 'just' an aunt can fuck right off. She was one of the most important people to me. And she was amazing. And I am beyond sad that I will never see her twinkly evil eyes, and hear her cackle ,and kiss her velvety cheek, and have her boss me around (in the most loving way) ever again.


heart - break

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