How I got my mojo back Part 1 (2017-01-17)

Dear Readers,

Sooo it's been a crazy couple of months. Also, content warning, shit's about to get graphic y'all. Read on at your own discretion.

I met a guy, who was basically perfect, except for some effeminate traits I just sort of ignored because he was so great in every other way. We got along ridiculously well and had great banter and chat... except he would make these insensitive comments about women and sexual violence that really upset me. But he was really great! He was tall and I found him both intellectually and physically attractive...except I just couldn't get turned on whenever he kissed me. But seriously, he was perfect! We texted every day and went on these really fun dates, where I felt like we really clicked...except he would never call me, and I always had to organise everything.

Everything was great, until about a month in, when we went to bed together and then the wheels well and truly fell off. Sigh.

Now I would consider myself to be quite a sex positive, and generally open minded person, so I hate to sound judgey, but for reals guys, this dude was FUCKED UP about sex.

Part of the issue is that there kind of had been a bit of a build up due to his best friend taking up his entire birthday weekend, and then my going away for a mini break. By the time I got back I was in the mindset of 'This is going to happen' rather than perhaps letting it occur organically. But I digress.

He came by to pick me up for dinner at one of my fave restaurants. And other than him being late, we had a great time. We came back to my place and just watched Netflix for a bit, while I debated whether I had the balls to go through with my plan.

See, it was his birthday the week before, but he was really fucking weird about 'No presents'. And that put me in a quandary, because I LOVE giving gifts, and am all about the birthday celebrations. People get a cake at the very least! So, given that I wasn't allowed to give him a physical gift, I figured I could think outside the box and give him a physical experience instead.

So I choreographed a personalised burlesque routine to Chet Faker's 'Talk is Cheap', complete with a trench coat and heels, because if I'm going to do something, it's damn well going to be done properly. And then I got all stressed out that he would laugh in my face and had to get a pep talk from my friend James. With this, and his very positive reaction to the Xmas sexy song in Mean Girls, I figured what the hell and disappeared with 2 min until the end of the movie to gear up and then do my little dance.

And it was hot if I do say so myself, but he barely reacted, which was bizarre I thought. I chalked that up to shock/surprise- because there was NO WAY he would ever have thought that would have been what I left the couch to do.

So we were making out and then he asked me if I wanted to go to bed. I got a bit panicky (red flag), but kinda had a get out of jail free card, because I actually was on the tail end of my period. NB: Don't fret squeamish readers out there, he literally wouldn't go anywhere near me because of it.

But here was where the cracks started to appear, because he got a bit snarky when we actually got into the bedroom. For starters, he insisted on keeping his shirt on, which made me feel ridiculous, because I was prancing around in nothing but black sheer French cut lace underwear. Like, should I put clothes back on? Wtf?

And secondly, despite agreeing to still go to bed with the biological issue at hand, he could only think of "One thing we could possibly do." Ummmm, exsqueeze me? As I said to him " For real? I can think of at least 6", and that was off the top of my head, and with butt stuff being off the table because it's not my thing. I came up with another four with some actual thought.

Consider this a public service announcement: Even if penis in vagina sex is not on the cards, there are at least 10 different sex acts still in play- none of which are particularly kinky, or involve anyone's ass. It's a sexual smorgasbord out there friends, you just need to be a bit creative!

Anyway, as I said, I was kinda committed at this point to seeing this through and was like "Don't fret, we can work something out. What do you like?" Now, I do not consider this to be an unreasonable question, especially when you have agreed to go to bed with someone, and are down to nothing but French cut lace. But he wouldn't tell me. Again, wtf?

I just chalked it up to him not perhaps being as open minded as I am, and possibly even a bit intimidated, so I essentially just initiated my standard non penetrative sexual sequence. Which, to be clear, has always been received extremely positively in the past. I thought that he might be one of those people who gets more into the swing of it once you are actually doing things and will then give feedback as to particular preferences.

Nope, the dude was weird. It turns out he has this 18yo virgin-never had sex-only ever watched porn view of sex.

He didn't want me to kiss his body- I discovered this is because he has quite horrific acne on both his chest and back. Ok, fine, I can respect that. But then he wouldn't kiss or suck my breasts, despite my giving him the ok, as I quite like that. What the hell man? Do you not want me to have a good time??

Then he got really derogatory about hand jobs, which was incredibly frustrating/confusing because he wasn't hard yet. Also, I felt like telling him 'That's because you've never had a good one (e.g one of mine)', but also, seriously dude, what do you want me to do?? You're not hard, what am I meant to do with that?

So I am basically trying to get him hard with my mouth, which frankly is not how I like to roll, because giving head is so much more difficult under those circumstances. Like a slug and you can't really move along it properly, because you don't want to catch it on your teeth. And he just couldn’t stay hard and eventually I was like "Dude, work with me here, you don’t really seem into this, what would make it better?" And he still wouldn’t tell me.

Eventually I teased it out of him that he wanted me to be "more aggressive". I really didn’t think I could get more sexually aggressive than basically dragging him to my bedroom after doing a strip tease and then proceeding to attempt to have my way with his body, but I was willing to accept feedback, so did change it up a bit. And he seemed more into it and I thought we were on the right track at last.

Nope, he stopped me mid felatio and basically pushed me off because "It’s just not going to happen. I’ll just go home and jerk off." Ummm, gee, thanks.

It got worse when he did actually start talking about things:

1) He doesn't like to come on people. Now for reals, what the ACTUAL fuck?! I have never in my life come across a guy who wasn't happy, nay, *delighted* to come on my boobs. And it happens to be one of my favourite things, because I am kinda filthy like that. No no, apparently "Mouth or face, anything else is a waste." Ridiculous.

2) He wants it to be "like porn", to which I replied "Porn is NOT REAL LIFE", because it’s not damnitt. But also, you want it to be like porn, but you won’t come on me?? You don’t want me to blow you?? You refuse to talk dirty, in fact you refuse to talk about things at all?? WTF?

Therein lies the crux of it all- he wants it to be derogatory like porn. Basically he couldn’t stay hard unless I was gagging and crying and miserable. This made a few things click into place for me- the complete lack of understanding and shitty attitude towards sexual violence and the concept that yes, it is a thing, which I thought was just the general obliviousness of men in their male privilege bubble, was actually because that is what he is kinda into.

To be clear, this is not a BDSM thing, ironically that I could have worked with, no no, this was basically because he doesn’t actually like women that much, and thinks that sex has to be aggressive and involve taking something. He can’t get off unless he is degrading someone. Nothing to do with trust and power, all about hating women. Me being into sex and sexual experiences, but not wanting to be treated like a whore ruined it.

This also explained what had happened earlier when we were just kissing and he randomly started pressing down on my throat and choking me. I very calmly told him to stop because "When you have your hand against my larynx, I can’t breathe." And you know, my larynx is the actual cornerstone of my career because I talk for a living. If you bruise it I can’t work, asshole.

And his response to all of this, was to sex shame ME. Apparently I am weird because I don’t want to be choked, and oh yeah, I actually want to enjoy myself (crazy concept). I called bullshit at the time, and I still stand by the fact that while yes, some people are into being hurt and choked and rape fantasy crap, it is NOT standard sex and you need consent and a helluva lot of chat before you just put your hands around someone’s throat like he had done.

No no, supposedly "Every other girl is into it". What. The. Fuck?! Female readers of diaryland, please feel free to weigh in here, but so far my unofficial poll of my female friends, ranging from the ages of 21-48 is a resounding ‘Fuck no! That would scare the shit out of me.’

So yeah, we had a fight about why I wasn’t into rapey 'sex' (because rape is not sex, it's rape), and why my reticence wasn’t actually that unusual. I feel I should also mention that he was tiny size wise, which may have explained why he was so fucked up and defensive about everything. He got dressed and left and I never heard from him again (although that wasn’t how he played it when he left). Ugh the whole thing was just awful.

And I felt like shit. Like I was bad in bed, and perhaps *I* was the weird one (spoiler alert: I’m not on either count). I was also pretty devastated because I had really liked him up until that point, and I saw potential there that I hadn’t seen since The Boy, more than four years ago.

And I was perseverating like a mofo and really struggling to move past it, to the point where drastic action was needed. So I went and did something I have never done, and never thought I would do- I used the interwebs to arrange a booty call, or as I prefer to think of it, a ‘sexual palate cleanser’. I needed to get the taste of that whole shitty experience out of my mouth, and I figured the only real way to do that was to have an experience with someone else.

For the sake of context I will explain: there was this dude that I had been talking to before I met Choking Guy. He was clear that he just wanted to sleep with me, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but we talked through the types of things we were both into and they totally aligned. He also got the sexual violence thing, and was very clear that if anything did happen I would be calling the shots. I went away, and it just kind of fizzled and nothing ended up happening.

And then there was the Choking Guy incident and I was like ‘Fuck this’ , so a couple of days later I sent this other guy, whom we shall call A1, a text basically asking if he was still up for sleeping with me. He was, but more importantly, he was also really sweet and respectful, and dealt with my freaking out about arranging it all quite well.

We organized to meet on neutral ground, and then it was his turn to get anxious. I met him and he was smoking hot, but he was also super duper worried that I wouldn’t want to actually hook up with him once I met him. I have no idea where this came from, as I said, the dude was FINE, but I just found it adorable. Ironically him being so nervous and jittery, meant that I felt totally calm, and in control of the situation.

So we had a coffee and a chat at a café down the road, and then walked back to my place. I basically put my coffee cup down, and as soon as it hit the table he pounced on me and kissed the living shit out of me. Seriously guys, the man can kiss! He was also hard, and very much into it, so I started to feel better.

We made our way to the couch and then I pretty much did exactly what I had done with Choking Guy, except this guy was a whole different ball game. He loved everything, and told me so. Verbal and sensual, just the way I like ‘em.

And again, we discussed certain limitations, but it was the complete opposite of Choking Guy and he said "Ohh but that means you can only give pleasure, you don’t get to take any." He was genuinely devastated that he couldn’t go down on me and pleasure me. Verbal, sensual, and GIVING *dingdingding* jackpot!

I really didn’t mind and just went to town on his body, pulling out every filthy trick and dirty act that I enjoy- including most of the aforementioned 10 things. Because it was casual and I had nothing to lose, I didn’t worry about being judged for being dirty, I just got to revel in it. It was awesome, and I swear to god, I showed that man the time of his life.

I definitely felt pretty damn good by the time I took him to my room so I could go down on him in front of the mirror and we could both watch (it was hot as hell). But when I got him to come like a hose all over me just by talking dirty to him, and he almost passed out because it was so intense, I concluded that it was definitely Choking Guy, not me who was shit in bed. Sexual mojo= intact!

Alas for unknown reasons A1 freaked out afterwards and disappeared, so I only ever got that one time, but it definitely served its purpose. Less of a sexual palate cleanser, more of a sexual sandblasting *chuckles*.

And perhaps I should feel/have felt slutty afterwards, but I really didn’t. I would count that as one of the top 5 sexual experiences of my life, as well as emotionally necessary if I'm being honest. No regrets!

It also paved the way for what happened next, but that is a story for another time.

To be continued….


heart - break

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