Hopefully this is worth the wait. There is a minor content warning again, but nothing as graphic like the last one.
Nevertheless, I may as well dive straight in...
The big news is that I had sex with a random guy while I was home for christmas. As in proper, bonafide, penetrative sex sex. That’s right, I HAD SEX YOU GUYS!!
I did something I never do and basically used the inter webs to set up a situation where it was essentially a booty call. Kinda like what happened with A1, except to a greater extent, as this took organising and it wasn't precipitated by any kind of extreme trauma. It was pre-meditated so to speak. Although he has the same name as A1, which is kind of hilarious. We shall call him A2 for convenience, and the story is as follows:
We matched, we chatted about what we both wanted blah blah, and agreed to meet on neutral ground. He then put up with a lot of my mucking him around- due to drama with my mother- and was just so exceptionally sweet and laid back about it all, he earned himself major major points. We went back to his place and…proceeded to watch Star Wars. Wait, what? I hear you ask. Yes, I know, I was confused also. We spent 4 hours on a couch together and he didn’t touch me.
He then drove me back to my parent’s place and sat on their couch and didn’t touch me. Eventually I was like ‘Bugger this for a bunch of bananas’ and called him out along the lines of ‘What the actual fuck dude?’
And we talked about how he was out of practice (just out of a long term relationship) but was definitely super duper attracted to me and keen to do fun things. ‘Sooo, you want to fuck me, but you just need me to make the first move?’ ‘Yes please!’ ‘Oh, that’s easy!’ And then I kissed him and things escalated verrry quickly and I was naked within less than 10 minutes and into the first of a long series of multiple orgasms 10 minutes after that. The boy aims to please, and he does it well *chuckles*.
Don’t worry, I won't bore you with the exact sordid details, but he was… different, not pushy. It was the oddest thing in that while it was clearly defined as just being a sex thing, he treated me like a person, but without it being emotionally intense. He was really respectful and gentle and I don't know...normal for lack of a better word. Not into anything weird (unlike choking guy), and well matched in terms of preferences and sexual style- he is a long term person and has sex over several hours for instance.
We had talked a lot about what we liked and weren't into and what we wanted to try and kind of gamed the whole thing out. And it had been a while for him, so he was totally cool with my nervousness and we chatted about that (although he got a highly edited cliffs notes version of the whole messy story).
Then when the moment came- after having spent the whole day with him, and 3 hours of being naked and doing other sex stuff- my anxiety did kick in and I almost bailed, except he called me out on it, and basically talked me into it. That sounds bad, but it was actually what I needed, and seemingly what I have needed all along (who knew?).
To be clear, he didn't force me, or coerce me at all, it was more like talking through why I was worried, and then reassuring me that it would all be fine, and if it wasn't, then we would stop. And by some miracle, I believed him… and that my friends was how I ended up having sex for the first time in ten years.
It bears repeating- I HAD SEX YOU GUYS!!!
And it was totally fine. Don't ask me how it was fine with someone I had essentially just met, but it was. Maybe because there was no pressure, and nothing on the line? Maybe because I had gamed it out and I knew we could stop and it wouldn't be a big deal? Maybe because he was also rusty, so I didn't feel judged? Whatever it was, shit just worked. I would go so far as to say that it was good even, particularly given I had no idea what I was doing and it was our first time together.
There were a couple of moments that weren't super comfy with the whole vaginismus thing, but on the whole, I wouldn't say that it hurt exactly, it was more just getting used to it. And doing things that I had never done, because I had never really gotten that far. The agony and the tearing and the pain kinda got in the way before, funnily enough.
And emotionally I was totally ok as well. I won't lie, it was all a bit surreal, and even now I am like Dayum, did that really happen?!?! Nevertheless, I didn't feel unsafe, or frightened, or panicky. I was ridiculously nervous, but I think him being totally calm and reassuring, and neither of us being emotionally invested helped a lot.
I also saw him two days later for another crazy 4+hr marathon heheheh. Across the two sessions we tried basically everything- and I do mean EVERYTHING. Every position under the sun, multiple surfaces, the dude definitely mixed it up. And it didn't suck, in fact, it was GOOD.
But more importantly I DID IT. It took me ten motherfucking years, but I finally did it. I CAN HAVE SEX YOU GUYS!!
After our crazy 4+hour marathon, he left and I just sat there, stunned. And I was so happy, I almost cried. I honestly have no words for the wave of incredible relief that overwhelmed me at that moment. Ten years guys, TEN YEARS I thought I was broken, and it all just…changed.
So now, I don't know, but it's like a door has opened that I thought was nailed shut. And I am having to mentally reshuffle a lot of things that I realised had been all wrapped up in my apparent inability to have sex. I knew it was a big deal, and it was basically all that I talk about here, and yet, I really didn't comprehend how much it has influenced how I feel about myself as a woman, and also about my sexuality generally.
There was so much shame, and fear, and angst, and general icky stuff that was pretty ingrained and now it's just...gone. It's the oddest feeling, this lightness. It is taking some getting used to, particularly as I have gone on a few dates since then and now there is this automatic checking mechanism for the self talk.
Seriously, I catch myself out now in my negative loop and it's like this big red cancel button for the whole thing 'But I CAN have sex. BOOM'. I feel like I am holding all the aces for the first time in my romantic life.
I went to someone's house a week after my little sexual Xmas present, and old me would have been stressing about what that might mean, and would probably have tried to put a boundary on the situation before I even got there. Or I might not have even gone at all, because I would think that would be too big a signal, and I would have freaked myself out too far. And I was about to send the 'This is not a Netflix and chill situation' text and then I realised that I didn't have to
Part of that was my knowledge from our previous date that this guy isn't really that kind (and I trusted my own judgement on that one), but also the simple fact that if it was Netflix and chill, that would be fine. Sex is actually an option now, it doesn't have to be off the table. I can decide if I want to at the time I don't have to let the fear and anxiety decide for me. I CAN HAVE SEX YOU GUYS!!! NB: It wasn't Netflix and chill, he was a total gentleman, as my instincts had told me ;)
This one experience- or two across the two rounds- has changed basically everything. I am being far more selective about who I date. I am not feeling the need to control everything, the hyper vigilance has really reduced significantly. And I also don't care about it any more.
It's odd to say, but it's true, now that I know that I can have sex if I want, all of the pressure is off. I feel like I can be as choosey as I want, I don't have to settle for something/someone because I am broken and I can't offer someone a 'full' relationship. I don't have to internalise rejection with this self fulfilling prophesy 'You wouldn't want me if you knew the truth anyway'.
Goddess, reading those words on the page is really surreal, because that’s a terrible thing to think, and yet, they were things that I believed to be fact up until this experience.
Annnnnddd, I feel I should also mention that I ended up fucking someone else last weekend. Alas it was nowhere near as good as A2. Le sigh. Actually, qualification: the non penetrative sex parts were pretty good, and I really did need to get laid, so I was happy with that, but then I pushed for us to have sex sex (I know, riiight?) and then was like ‘Smeh, that was a waste of a number’. Although it did help me to see that what happened with A2 really was good, it wasn’t just because anything would be amazing compared to the trauma.
Look, it wasn’t a bad experience all in all, it just wasn’t anything to write home about. And what was just ‘odd’ with A2 actually kinda hurt with this guy. Nowhere near the pain I have experienced previously- probably around a 6 or a 7 out of ten, compared to a solid 15- but still, I was a bit grumpy with my body.
I don’t know, I am trying (successfully) to look at it as the normal learning that happens with these things, I am just doing it ten years later than people usually do. In the meantime, I have a new found appreciation for something Poly Guy and I discussed many moons ago, that penetration really is a small part of the whole thing, and when the other stuff is really good, sometimes the sex sex bit is just like an add on.
That and sexual chemistry definitely is a thing, and some guys are nowhere near as good as others, or you don’t gel as well perhaps? I think now that I have slept with three people in total, and had the good, the traumatic, and the ok, I can kinda just see what happens. I don’t need to avoid any more, but I also don’t think I need to push the issue. I think letting things happen organically is going to be my plan for now.
The other part is that I have been mulling over the fact that I think I do actually want a relationship. I am over being mucked around, and I can’t be bothered casually dating just for the hell of it. Essentially now that the sex issue is no longer an issue, and I don’t feel as anxious about it, I feel like I can take some risks in other areas, because I CAN HAVE SEX YOU GUYS.
I feel like emotionally I am not so much of a mess, I am not so wrapped up in ‘Can I do this? Do I tell them that I can’t do this? When do I tell them? What do I say? Am I going to get rejected when they realize that I am broken?’ etc etc. I actually have the space now to be like ‘You are boring, nope.’... ‘You are hot, so maybe?’
And, if I’m being honest, I am really looking forward to having a more long term person where I can look at not having to use condoms. While it doesn’t bother me, I also don’t know any different, and I am curious. There are a bunch more things I would love to explore around all of that, but I feel like I either need to have a fluid bonded long term casual partner, or an actual boyfriend to indulge in such things.
So yes, one or the other- either someone I want to fuck on the regular but not date, or preferably someone I actual like AND I want to fuck.
Did I mention I CAN HAVE SEX YOU GUYS!!? And I am so relieved, and happy, and grateful, you have no idea.