Choices (2017-03-23)

Dear Readers,

I have had a flat few days. The elation of finally sorting out all of the sex drama has worn off, and work stress is wearing me down. I am also just a bit over dating and boys. I would something to work out. I feel like I am always the single one- and do not get me wrong, there are definitely benefits, but it's also quite lonely.

Like anyone else who works in healthcare, I have shitty, full on things happen and just have to deal with them myself. I am beginning to be truly worried that I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I don't know that I can handle the stress of my job without some support at some point.

This has partially been brought on by my attempts to buy a house- and the utterly soul destroying nature of that process. I have saved almost $100k- as a single person, in around about 5 years- but it still might not be enough.

I went to dinner last night with some new friends who are a couple, and we were talking about having a games night and the guy made a joke of 'Well, we just need you to actually date someone for more than two seconds and then we would have enough people!' And it was a joke and I KNOW he didn't mean anything by it, but it kinda stung anyway.

Like, do you think I want this? Do you think I want to only meet douchebags? Or alternatively meet someone and think 'Holy shit, this is it!' only to have them turn out to be a misogynist, who could only get off if he was humiliating me? Or an alcoholic with massive life issues who can't deal with anyone seeing the truth of his life as a permanent and unpaid carer for TWO of his immediate family members? Or someone who loved me, and whom I loved, but who couldn't deal with actual conversations/real life, and so broke my heart?

And the countless dudes in between who just came in and then disappeared again.

This is not my choice. Believe me. I would choose to have had choking guy not be into fucking choking and not be totally fucked about sex. Or The Boy be able to stand up to his dad, and put his family members in the care that they could afford, but his father refused. Or have had Gallus man up and fight for me/us.

I am dealing with other people's choices. One day I would love for someone to choose me, but it's not up to me.


heart - break

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