Update for Danger (2018-01-17)

Dear Readers,

A certain person was getting grumpy with my lack of updates- and I want him to share his culinary secrets, so voila, new entry! (Let this be a lesson to you all, you just need to bribe me with food related items/lessons and I will tow the line)

So I moved in, and so far being a home owner is pretty cool, expensive, but cool. My mother sent me 12 motherfucking boxes of crap so I still don't have everything organised and my spare room is actually just a junk room, but I have given myself until the end of Jan to get it done. Once it is finally sorted out I need to make a decision about whether I am going to set up that room as an actual spare room with another bed, or just a sofa bed.

In the meantime I have almost all of my furniture sorted- I still need a compost bin, and an outdoor bench, and nicer stools for my truly beautiful custom made (following my design) kitchen bench..and then of course the bed or sofa bed. I have bought some new linens which makes me happy, because I am a loser, but a loser who owns an inner city apartment, so it could be worse!

I am still dating the guy. The sex has improved, it's a solid 8 most days, sometimes a 7, but never worse than that. He met some of my family, which was mixed. It didn't go that well with my brother (which upset me and was a big problem), but was fine with my Mum and step dad. I met his parents which went well, and am meeting some of the other extended family members this weekend.

I am now in two minds about this whole thing though. There are some issues which I am not sure about in terms of potentially being deal breakers. One is the whole I don't necessarily find him attractive thing; another is that he is not as social as I am, like at all, and I am worried I am always going to have to babysit him at functions; another is that he doesn't really 'get' anxiety and can be quite dismissive of stuff in that vein; another is that he can be quite rigid about things and wants to know every tiny detail and I just don't give a fuck, so I find incessant questions about something that really isn't important super irritating e.g wanting to know exactly who is going to be at this thing, and what the itinerary is, when he isn't even going....can you tell this has been a problem lately? Gah, it drives me nuts!

The biggest problem is that I feel like I am on the clock and have to make decisions about him/us because of my age and because I know that he wants kids and doesn't want to be an 'old dad'. And realistically I know how hard it has been to find guys who didn't automatically assume I was desperate for marriage and children and therefore act like freaked out weirdos when I was in my early 30s, once I cross into that mid mark that is going to get much much worse.

At this point though, if I am being brutally honest, I can't see myself having kids with this person. I think he is still quite unrealistic about how hard it is, and how much work and how little sleep and therefore how damaging to your sense of self, especially as the woman. You essentially are no longer a person once you have a kid, you are now a Mother and that is all.

I refuse to have that be the case in my life, I intend to do things very differently, I want there to be a REAL shared parenting situation, like in actual fact rather than just name, including both of us working part time and getting up and putting in the 110% that they drain from you. And I just don't know that he's the one who is going to be able to step up to the plate and give that much, or even be able to take the judgemental shit from people who think that's weird.

We've talked about a lot of this stuff, and I have told him point blank he needs to spend more time with kids, and difficult kids, or at least kids at difficult ages before I will feel that he is making an informed choice. Because I love kids, but I know far too much about the reality of having them, and that means I am actually on the fence about if I will be able to do it and not have a mental breakdown. I need someone who is strong as hell and a relationship that is solid as bedrock before I give up everything- my body, my career, my autonomy as a human not just a parent.

Readers who think I am being melodramatic, you will understand if you have kids or spend serious lengths of time with them and their parents one day.

So yes, I am currently tortured about whether I should end this, or whether it will all be fine, I just need more time and he needs more training. Hopefully I will figure it out soon.


heart - break

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