Depression is a side dish best served never (2019-06-16)

Dear Readers,

So, I am in a bit of mood...

Scrap that, it sounds superficial and ridiculous. Let's call a spade a spade, or more accurately depression what it is.

Normally anxiety is my shitty jam, but every so often it comes with a side dish, often brought on by going back to my home town and spending more than a few days with my mother and step dad. Unfortunately the Manfriend couldn't come, because he had to study, so I was on my own. And I missed him, but I also just had to put up with my step dad's terrible churlish behaviour by myself. He treated me like dirt the whole weekend- not deliberately, but still in a way that he would never treat his own daughter. And my mum just watches, because she can not possibly not be married.

This of course brings up all of the other times when she stood by and let the bullshit happen and did absolutely nothing to stop it. So that put me on edge.

And then there was all of the stuff with my baby brother- the one I love more than myself. I spoke to his partner and discussed taking her and my nephew to the shops because the weather was terrible, so we couldn't go to the park and she was so embarrassed but she was like 'We have no money, but of course you can take him and have a good day.' And I explained that I was happy to take her grocery shopping because even if it wasn't for my baby brother that I love more than life itself, or my nephew whom I love to the moon and back, I am a fucking human and the thought that they might not have the things that they need when I can take two overseas holidays in a year is just not acceptable.

And do you know what she said to me 'Oh, that is so nice of you, it will only be a couple of things, like milk and stuff, it won't be much money, I promise.' I almost fucking bawled my eyes out. The milk is for my nephew, he drinks milk. Then when we actually went to the shops they got milk, and nappies, and some veggies and it came to a grand total of $40. And I know they couldn't have bought that themselves if I wasn't there. And the thought of my nephew not being able to have his milk... I just...can't even.

They are in a financial hole, and my mother just watches them there. My brother's phone got shut off. He has a child. They couldn't afford groceries, including stuff for him, like milk and nappies. And our mother on the other hand buys a new luxury car every six months (the latest was a new BMW, the one before that was a jag) and tinkers with their fucking 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house.


It has deeply, deeply upset me. Particularly her BS about the whole thing, like she is trying to teach him/them a lesson by not helping financially. Like, I would understand if they were asking for them to buy them a house...oh but wait, they did that for my step sister...or pay for them to take a holiday...oh but wait, they did that for her too. But we are talking about fucking bare essentials that are for her grandchild. She has some bullshit plan that is very convoluted but essentially boils down to the fact that she won't do anything that is not on her terms, regardless of what would actually be helpful.

I am not a dickhead and just paid his phone bill. He fought me on it, but it was $340, there was no goddamn way they were ever going to be able to pay for it, and the longer it went on, the more it was going to fuck with his credit rating, and the bigger the bill was going to get with the interest compounding. So I paid it, but I am frankly pissed that I had to. What is the point of selling a business for a couple of million if you won't fucking help out with a couple of hundred dollars?? Also, you are a fucking parent, act like it.

And then my bro and I had this big chat by the lake when I took him to lunch. And he talked about our dad a bit- he has totally sucked him in, he thinks that he feels "enormous guilt" and terrible about everything and wants a relationship with me. I called bullshit, and explained that in order to feel bad, you would have to acknowledge that something happened in the first place, which he will never do. The only reason he thinks he wants to see me is because it looks bad that I don't have anything to do with him. I calmly explained some of the shit that went down that he will never admit to. And there is no he said she said with that crap, it was inappropriate as fuck.

So that was fun.

And I got sick with this horrid flu like thing- but not the full flu thankfully. And work has just been kicking my ass. And I feel like I am super behind on my PhD which is stressing me out. Of course I have just been smashing out an entire season of Killing Eve rather than doing my ethics application, but whatever.

So in short, I have been sick. And exhausted. And miserable. And then brooding over all of the dark and spiky stuff, particularly this weekend as the Manfriend has locked himself away to study for his last exam and I have been all by myself for two days. Unfortunately he doesn't realise how bad it is in my head right now- one of the down sides to not disclosing of course.

Sigh. I will be alright, I know that I will, it's just not a fun time at the moment.


heart - break

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