Alone is better (2003-10-29)

Dear Alana,

We have been drifting apart recently, the contact is less frequent and less personal of late. I finally realised why yesterday. I donít respect you anymore. Honestly, I donít know at what point exactly it started- no doubt somewhere amongst the Josh saga- but any modicum of admiration I ever felt for you has been eroded away.

I mean, how can I respect someone who allows herself to be treated like shit and then has the audacity to lash out at the one person who tried to support her? You seem to secretly assume that I am in some way envious of your Ďrelationshipí (I use that term loosely, as it is more a coupling doomed to self destruction).

Which to be honest, is too hilarious for words.

Why the hell would I want a relationship where all human courtesy is lacking?

Why the hell would I want a relationship where I was forced to change aspects of myself in order to stay with someone who refuses to do the same?

Why the hell would I want a relationship where I was treated like I was less than dirt?

And if for some bizarre reason I did want that, why the fuck would I want it with someone like Josh? To be brutal, I cannot think of anyone I find more unattractive, except perhaps my dad. He is physically ugly and his personality does nothing to improve his looks, while his actions are abhorrent.

And yet you stay with this person, despite all he has done to youÖ and me. And I can no longer stand it. I canít respect you when you permit such an arsehole to rule your life to the exclusion of those who do actually treat you decently.

I donít know if itís masochism, or just total ignorance of what a healthy relationship is, but either way itís weak when you refuse to stop it. And I never thought of you as a weak person, but that is what you become in your romantic relationships.

Wise groped other people and then denied it, because he was drunk. He also put you in uncomfortable sexual situations, yet you stayed with himÖuntil Josh that is. Jumped right from arsehole station into fuckhead central with that one. At least wise, being such a weak person himself, treated you with a modicum of human decency. Josh just acts like a child and attempts to make you lesser than he isÖwhich Iím sorry to say, he has succeeded in doing, all because YOU LET HIM. He even pulled a wise, by groping other people, although it was somewhat worse this time in that he actually emotionally blackmailed you into letting him, to my horror.

I think that may have been where it started, when instead of telling him to get fucked as any self respecting female would have done, you took him back- on HIS terms, rather than your own. Do you know how wrong and broken that is? The mere idea is disgusting- how could you possibly hold yourself in such low esteem?

Although I guess it does explain why you basically treat your friends like shit in accordance, because you donít know what true respect is. In reality you are jealous of my freedom, my strength, my ability to be completely self sufficient and survive anything life throws at me, without anyone having to hold my hand.

I remember you being so happy when I hooked up with Matt and I always felt that was for the wrong reasons, but I couldnít put my finger on it. I know what it was now- you thought he would tame me and I would be caged as you are by a relationship that would consume my life.

HA! Never! I will NEVER allow myself to be treated as you do. If that means Iím alone, then so be it. Iíd rather be by myself then be what you have allowed yourself to become- a doormat.

-Me

heart - break

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