I am not the sociopath (2020-06-02)

It's been a long time. Some things that have happened in this time:

-I have had my pre-confirmation for my PhD, got my ethics for Phase 2 approved in record time, and am working on writing an article about my Phase 1.
-I got accepted to present at a conference in Italy and would have been swanning about Lake Como as we speak if it weren't for the pandemic- the only thing it has really messed with PhD wise ironically.
- I have gone back to baking up a storm because I am not allowed to go out to eat. I have a sourdough starter now. I have become one of them!
-I bought a place with the man friend. It has a bath.
-Because of the pandemic I moved in earlier than we planned, and so there has been a significant period of adjustment.

None of that is what I came here to talk about though, I can talk about all of that stuff with my friends. No, what I want to talk about is the fact that my dad is apparently dying in a hospital in another state and I feel nothing...or at least nothing but relief.

When my brother told me, all I could think was ''Good'' because then I won't have to ever deal with him ever again, I won't have to see him at my brother's wedding, and deal with his sliminess, or cause a scene if he tried to come near me, and he can never ever touch me again, and I will be totally free.

But see, then I feel very conflicted in that I feel nothing about him dying, except this incredible surge of relief, and then I feel like maybe that makes me a terrible person? This gratitude almost that I feel, that he will no longer be here- even in another state, far away- is hard to reconcile with my usual nature in that I am not vindictive, and I don't wish people harm- quite the opposite actually.

I'm not a complete monster, I do feel bad for my brother as he is the one dealing with things and will have to deal with more things when he does die as the only child in the same city/state. But even he talked about how complicated and hard it is, and the internal conflict. There's no love there, even for him, mostly just obligation, and this sideways connection in that he takes care of my nephew a lot. But even this comes with the background thought of 'the new wife better not try and make any of us pay for the funeral'. Because that's the thing, a lot of his lower level bullshit and drama was financial, and he stole money, particularly from my brother.

God, I cannot wait to be free of him, and to have my brother free of him too, and never have to worry about this kind of shit again.

The problem is that there will be a whole bunch of bullshit in the short term- I am going to have enormous pressure to attend the funeral from multiple family members, including my older brother overseas, as he won't be able to come and will transfer that guilt on to what I do, my maternal uncle who is also not a fabulous parent (but not abusive) who thinks blood is thicker than water like an idiot, and then the entirety of my dad's side of the family. And then all of the other douchebags who think it's appropriate to try and guilt someone 'Because he was your dad' like that means ANYTHING.

Don't get me wrong, they can all go fuck themselves, I am NOT GOING under any circumstances...actually the only thing that would make me go is if my baby bro wanted me there to support HIM, but equally the support goes both ways, he would never ask that of me. He understands that I couldn't sit there and listen to people talk about what a great, kind man he was without vomiting uncontrollably. He knows, better than most, that at his best our dad was an arsehole, and at worst an abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, sociopath (technically the last two are part of being a sociopath, but I feel like they deserve to be adjectives in their own right in this instance).

Is it wrong that I hope it happens soon, so that I have the convenient excuse of Covid and border closures and enforced 2 week quarantine not to go?

I am glad. There it is. It couldn't happen to a more horrible person, and I can't wait to be free of him, for good.

I just wish I didn't feel so conflicted about these feelings. But then again, maybe it's a good thing because *I* am not the sociopath here.


heart - break

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