I'm Out (2008-02-24)

Dear Gallus,

I'm writing this to you because I can't seem to say it to your face, but I'm hoping that some how, some way, if I put it out there you will feel it.

I can't keep doing this. It's killing me. I can't keep waiting for you to get your shit together because the thing that I am coming to realise is that YOU NEVER WILL.

There is so much about you that I have tolerated and defended and accepted, I have gone to bat for you more times than you realise, both with others and within myself.

I allowed you to treat me like shit, but the thing is, that's not who I am. I am not that girl and I can't continue to try and squish myself into that mould- more importantly I shouldn't have to.

I should have been able to yell at you. I should have been able to go and tell you to shove it, but I was so scared of losing you I didn't. And instead I lost a little bit of myself and it ended anyway.

And even now, you still have me where you want me- I'm not with anyone else, so you never have to deal with that. Even better I can never have sex again, so you don't have to torture yourself with images of me with another man. Meanwhile I am far enough away that you don't have to actually deal with your feelings and commit to me in any way, so you can continue the complete farce you call a relationship and fuck her...

I wonder, when you are inside of her, do you think of me?

You have all but said as much, but still I can't quite believe that you are that pathetic and screwed up as to fantasize about me while having sex with another. You do though don't you?

The scary part is that there was a point where I would have been flattered by that, but now it's just horrible to think about, because the fact is that you have relegated me to a fantasy to avoid having me in real life.

And that my so called friend is complete bullshit. I deserve better than that. I deserve more than to be a Plan B. And more importantly I want more than that too.

I want a man who will fight for me if he has to.

I want a man who will work through problems, mine, his or ours, WITHOUT running away.

I want a man who loves me for me and WILL TELL ME SO.

In short I want more than you can ever give me. Truthfully, I always did, the difference is that now I won't settle for the pale imitation you offer.

I'm done with putting up with your drama and bullshit and twisted pathetic excuse for love.

I'm out. Once and for all.


heart - break

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