My second chance? (2008-04-07)

Dear Nathan,

Okay. Serious now. No school girl antics.

Um....I don't know where to start...and I'm still fighting the urge to start giggling. Damnitt! Serious. This is SERIOUS.


Sooooo, here we are. Almost a YEAR later and here we are. I really, seriously did not expect this! As I think I told you, you were like the 2nd to last person I EVER thought would just randomly text me. I almost fell over when I read your message!

9 months ago I met you- or re-met you, but lets not get technical- and we spent several hours on a couch having this incredible, emotional, intense, revealing, insane conversation that formed the basis of one of the most unexpectedly lovely nights I've had since I moved here.

I know I was completely blown away by how much trust you placed in me by opening up to me like that. I think perhaps you were too.

I guess what really got me though is that we connected. At a base human level, we connected in a way I hadn't allowed myself to connect to anyone since him.

Nothing happened...or nothing physical anyway, but you made me feel special that night, in a way I haven't felt for a long long time. You looked at me like I was the center of your universe, like you couldn't imagine the world without me in it.

I would even go so far as to say that is the way you felt too.

And I saw the potential for myself to feel the same way (aaaahh scary) but there was a very serious problem (aside from the fact it was scary)- you weren't ready.

Despite how much I liked you (and I really did) and how much potential I saw (lots) I could also see the reality of the situation- you had just split with your fiancee, the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, that you loved incredibly deeply.

And the thing is, I know that kind of love, you don't just bounce back from that kind of love, that kind of love fucks you up good and proper. (See previous diary entries on the subject)

And despite the fact that I knew it was over between you two and that you did really like me for me, which is something I thought was basically impossible to find, and despite the fact that everyone around us that night saw the connection and told me to screw my morals and then you in that order, I just couldn't do it.

I knew you were on the rebound. I knew you weren't ready. I knew that you were just looking for a distraction, someone to help ease the pain while you attempted to heal. But most importantly, I knew I deserved better than that and that whatever was between us had the potential to be real and powerful and special and also a complete disaster if I took advantage of the state that you were in.

And I didn't want that. I wanted it to have a chance, a real chance, when you were in a better place and could actually decide to be with someone else, rather than just falling into it by accident.

I wanted you to CHOOSE me, not just take me because you were hurting and I was there.

So I did this incredibly hard thing and offered you my friendship instead. And I know you probably felt rejected, but I also knew that it just wasn't the right time and I took a chance on the fact that one day there would be a right time and we would both be there to find it together.

And then I started seeing Sam, and you found out and stopped talking to me and shortly thereafter found another girl yourself. I told myself that it was just a rebound, that I didn't want to be the rebound girl, that I did the right thing, for both of us.

This of course didn't help when I found out that you were moving in with the rebound girl and I began to feel like maybe I had made a massive mistake in letting you go and being stupid enough to think that you would come back to me, rather than run towards someone else.

But then I came to realise that maybe it was the right thing, that it was the way things were meant to be, that at least one of us was happy. And that was enough for me to be happy for you.

Then 2 days ago I am out with the girls and you send me a message from your brother's phone. 9 months after that night and about 7 since you last emailed me, you send me a text, completely out of the blue. My eyes almost popped out of my skull!

And at first I thought it was just because you were bored and you thought I would be out nearby and when you found out I wasn't you weren't going to bother. But you did. You put in EFFORT to come see me, not to go out, but to SEE ME.

And I was so nervous and confused, I literally had no idea what the story was, or what was going to happen- I wasn't sure if you were even going to show up.

But you did. And your face lit up when you saw me, like I was a tall glass of water in the desert, everything that you needed and wanted, all at the same time. And you reached for me across the barrier and pulled me to you, as if that was where I had belonged all along.

And the weirdest part is that it was like the past 7 months had never happened, like we had had that talk on the couch the night before rather than the better part of a year ago.

You told me I looked good. And you MEANT it. I think that was when I realised that you were looking at me with your heart, not your eyes. And you didn't talk about her. Not once.

Of course I knew something was going on, but I didn't know if that was just because I hoped it was. But I felt it simmering beneath the surface, I felt that while you were happy to see me, you weren't happy.

So I was kinda blunt and brought her up and suddenly found myself back where we were 9 months ago- except it was the 2 of us sharing a tiny wooden stool and even when others became available, you still wanted to share.

And I swear, it was total deja vu. Almost the exact same things that Gallus talked about in August, except that you were reaching out to me, desperate for me to understand, not to justify staying, but to help you leave.

And so we talked and talked and shared our little stool and I felt this thing deepening with every word, every shared confidence, every concept put forth and understood, every minute we spent while you looked at me like I was your world again.

You asked me to the Andy Warhol exhibit, like it was the most natural thing in the world and then you took every chance to hold my hand...and kept holding it, long after the reason had passed and I began to think that against my better judgement you may end up back at my place, because it just felt so damn right.

Then of course, the girl showed up, much to your dismay. And all you could do was look at me with this pained expression, as if you were facing your own execution and tell me you were sorry.

And again I found myself in my own personal groundhog day, as your girlfriend (or technically ex, as of the night before) pretended that we were friends, that I would be less of a threat if she could make me think we had things in common.

And she wouldn't leave without you, so we ended up parting ways earlier than expected, but even then you couldn't not touch me- or stop apologising either.

And at 3am you sent me this lovely, heartfelt text about how all you wanted to do was spend time with me and how sorry you were and that you wanted to see me more often and just wanted to hang out with me alone. And I smiled all the way into sleep.

But now I am faced with the reality that I may have landed myself in another Gallus situation. I really really don't want that. I don't want to lose this second chance. I like you (I do feel the giggling kind of gave this away) but I can't do that again.

It's too damn hard to be the girl that everyone wants, but nobody can actually bring it upon themselves to be with. Please, please tell me that this time it's different, that you are different. Please tell me that this time *I* am the one, that I get to be first, rather than runner up.

Please tell me that for once, it can all work out.


heart - break

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