Still there (2008-05-09)

Dear Gallus,

I wrote this to you before the first time I went back home to see you. The scary part is so much of it still applies, almost a year later and the same things are still running through my head...

So here I am, waiting in Brisbane airport, watching the rain and waiting for my very delayed plane to leave, wondering what on earth Iím doing. Iím flying across the country so I can see you and sort this out once and for all, because itís killing me, it really is.

I canít move on, I canít move forward, every time I even get close you pop back up and Iím right back where I started. This is not to say that I havenít been seeing other people- I have, five different people in fact, with a 6th on standby, but the problem is I canít connect, I canít trust them, I canít sleep with them because I still feel like I belong to you. (Yeah, that's still there)

And it pisses me off no end.

Sometimes I feel like you still own a piece of me and I really really wish you would give it back- itís not like you even want it anywayÖ right?

See thatís half of the problem, I never knew what you wanted from me and I still donít. You talked for ages about wanting me and wanting this and that and then when you got it it was like it wasnít enough. Or maybe it wasnít what you expected and you realised you never wanted it in the first place (god it hurts to write that, just so you know), Iím not sure.

But at the end of the day, this is not about you, this is about me. This is about me being able to get a whole heap of shit off my chest I couldnít say before, so that you can actually have some clue about what has been running through my head since your birthday last year.

That was the night we both got turned on without even actually doing anything and I realised that whatever was between us had crossed the friendship line and entered a whole new level. It was also the night everything I thought about you and us changed and I saw that despite my frequent denials and the technicalities of our supposedly platonic cuddles (which SO WERENíT and you know it) I was more emotionally involved with you than I had been with anyone Iíd ever dated. And it scared me shitless.

To suddenly realise that every relationship youíve ever had was basically a pale, empty lifeless imitation compared to a friendship with someone you genuinely see/saw like furniture is pretty freaky. But it was realising that I had no armour, that it was already too late to try and keep you at armís length and prevent a disaster, because we were already as close as you could get that made me run.

Even then though I realised that running wouldnít help because what was going on was too intense and had been building for too long. It was Will who pointed out that to an outsider our relationship started way before we actually did anything ĎGiving and receiving comfort, physical and emotional. How else would you describe it?í

And I know that you are super sexual and Iím a cuddle slut and blah blah, but the child has a point, the shit that went down- the naked spooning, where you would wrap yourself around me like a human doona and not let me go all night, hopping into bed with me and holding me until I went to sleep at your GIRLFRIENDís house and various incidents of inappropriate touching- meant our friendship was made up of various shades of grey long before the line was officially crossed.

I just wish I didnít feel like it was over as well.


heart - break

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