But... (2008-06-06)

Dear Gallus,

So I just came home from seeing SATC and it got me thinking. It got me thinking and now I can't stop and usually writing to you helps to make order from the complete chaos of my thoughts, so here goes...

Two different people spoke of their exs tonight- without malice, or hurt, or pain. One of them even said 'oh, we're really good mates, coz we've known eachother for almost 10 years' and I swear, it gave me pause, because I thought to myself That should be us, we should be able to be like that I mean that was the point right? That was why I forgave you so much and went through everything I went through, for the FRIENDSHIP right?

But the interesting thing is, right now, when I went to write about how much it hurt, the truth was that I couldn't write that it felt like a punch in the stomach- because it didn't. It would have once, not too long ago, but not tonight. It did hurt, but in that dull ache kind of way, when you rub an old bruise and realise that the sting is less, because it's healing and will soon be gone.

And it struck me how much my perspective on certain things has changed so drastically. So many thoughts have run through my head in the last week, but what has been more interesting is the rider thoughts that follow them.

I thought if I was the one to leave, would it have hurt you as much as it did me?
Rider: But I DID leave, and if you are to be believed, that is what broke us [even though you left first] so really I chose just as much as you did. And more importantly I have chosen not to come back, which was what you were so afraid of all along, that I would go and live a life without you, so really I was the one to walk away all along...

I thought I will never give myself to another person in the same way again
Rider: But that's not a bad thing, because I lost things in you and us I never meant to. And the truth is I never gave myself to you completely, because I never told you what I felt [although neither did you] because I was so scared. And that's not real love, because it's weak and I know that I'm stronger than that [even if you're not]...

I thought I've lost that whole physical side of myself because I can't ever have sex with someone else
Rider: But I almost did less than a month ago [and would have if I had had more time] and it was without a blink of an eyelid, or a thought of you. And really the actual sex part didn't work with us [although it probably COULD if you had ever actually allowed me another shot], so technically I haven't lost anything at all...

I thought What do I do without you- you were always the person I ran to when shit hit the fan
Rider: Until now, when a whole heap of stuff has happened and I didn't feel the urge to talk to you once [I wanted to smack the shit out of you, but that's different]. I don't need you to rescue me anymore and make me feel better, because most of the time you actually make me feel worse...

I thought I miss you
Rider: But I don't.


heart - break

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