Saved by the bell (2008-07-19)

Dear Gallus,

So, you're about to turn 30 and what I realised was that your life is still totally fucked. You are in no way actually living, you just exist, wallowing in your misery.

It was funny because I went out to dinner the other night and someone asked me something I had never been asked about in relation to you- if I would have had kids with you, to which my answer was a resounding 'HELL NO!!' and the person went 'See, there you go then, it wasn't meant to be long term and you always knew it'

And it was an interesting thought, because I guess she is right, I always knew what was between us wasn't going to be forever. Admittedly I did expect it to continue for longer, but as she also pointed out, what would my life have looked like if I had stayed?

I would be back in the laide, probably stuck in a dead end job that paid me shit all, with no room to move. We would probably have moved in together and thus would have started a period of total emotional hell as you played your bullshit games, while I played your mother, even though I hated it, just because I would have been too terrified to leave.

I honestly believe you would have sucked me dry, emotionally and financially. And what would have happened with the sex thing? Would you have ever given me another shot, or would you have just gone and cheated, because it was too hard to deal with?

It's so stupid because while it bothers me more than you know that you are now the perfect boyfriend, I know that those changes wouldn't have happened if we hadn't ended. What you put me through was so fucking traumatic for both of us that it actually shocked you into action.

So I guess I should be thanking you for saving me from yourself...or maybe you should be thanking me for finally giving you the courage to do the right thing, at least once in your life. It still shits me, just so we're clear- I mean really, you are model citizen for this pathetic person because *I* housebroke you, how unfair is that?!- but I am seeing just how necessary it was, for both of us.

I think if we had stayed together it would have killed me, as my soul slowly died piece by piece, while I looked out from behind the bars of the cage that was our relationship.

I am so glad that we're not together

I am so glad that I don't have to take care of you anymore

I am so glad that I am free, I really am.


heart - break

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