Eureka! (2002-01-17)

Dear Gallus,

So I haven't written in here in a bit, mostly because I haven't had much to say, things have pretty much been chugging along. I have been having weird dreams where your mother cameos, which is a little strange, but otherwise I have bounced back quite quickly and remarkably unscathed from my recent emotional setback.
But I felt the need to discuss something that would frankly sound insane if I said it aloud to anyone in the real world, so here I am:
I think I've figured it out. That thing that means I am always alone and shit never seems to get off of the ground. Why it is that I may meet someone awesome, but they are either from a different country, or leaving for another country, or they are already in a relationship or unavailable in some other random and obscure way.
Okay, first we need to go back a step- in that movie Only You, she talks about how the ancient Greeks believed in soul mates in a pretty literal sense. They thought that they were punished by the gods, who sent lightning bolts and severed one soul into two, cursing everyone to wander the earth, constantly searching for their other half- this is where we get this whole concept of soul mates and the idea of only one perfect match from. With me so far?
Okay, so, here's the thing, I would estimate that around 90% of my friends believe in this idea, perhaps not as literally as the Greeks, but they definitely prescribe to the notion of "The One".
Those who are with someone talk about how I "just have to meet the right person" as they did, my single friends wax lyrical about this mythical perfect person they are still waiting to meet, and me?
Well that is the $64,000 question isn't it?
I think it's a load of crap, as you well know. Maybe the lightning bolt missed me, maybe I'm just too goddamn independent for my own good, but this idea that I have a perfect match?? Puh-leaze!
If being with you taught me anything, it's that while it may look like the planets have aligned and the stars are shining down upon you, it can still fall to shit in an instant. It still takes ridiculous amounts of work- and that's when you know the person and you have everything in common, let alone with a complete stranger.
Fate is a fucking farce in my opinion. We make decisions and each one closes off a set of options, and opens up a different path. It's not that you are destined to be with this person or that one, it's that you chose them, or chose that situation or in some cases (such as yours) have made a series of choices that have left you where you are now and you have no way out. (Although you do, you're just too pathetic to take it).
And therein lies my problem I think. Everyone else is looking for this thing, and when they look for it with me, they draw a big fat nothing. They are looking for something in me that doesn't exist. Someone to fill some need, and that doesn't fly with me. You need to fulfil your own fantasies, I will not take care of you. And I sure as shit don't need someone to take care of me! I am whole all on my own thankyouverymuch.
So there we go, if you believe as the Greeks did, that everyone is missing half of their soul, I seem to be the exception. I am whole, (or perhaps soul-less bwahahah) and therefore alone.

heart - break

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