Head like a hole (2010-07-03)

Dear Gallus,

So, I am reading a new book and it's really good, but unfortunately not so for my mental health. I am so affected by the words I feed my brain, they trigger things within my psyche best left untouched.

The letter has come back, gnawing at my brain and demanding to be written.

But at the same time I know that if I write it, I will only unleash a cascade of memories and pain that I will then be forced to wallow in.

So I say fuck that. I called K.T, I'm going to meet her in Hyde park and we're just going to chill and then I'm not sure what. Something that will not involve me stuck within my own little hamster-wheel like brain.

Some days I hate that I have had to live through what I have. I hate that my past lurks in hidden corners and comes out to bite me in the arse at unexpected times. Some days I want to trade in my life for someone else's, just so that I won't have to think with such caution, constantly avoiding all of the dark scary bits, like feeling your way around a dark room, on the look-out for sharp edges.

There are days when that is all my brain seems to be- sharp edges. And today is one of them.


heart - break

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