Dear readers,

I need advice. I was doing very well with the boy situ, such as it is e.g he let me down, I wrote him off and I haven't seen or heard from him since. Neither has anyone else in the group,he has sort of dropped off the grid with that group.

Any who, all was chugging along nicely and then... Someone from the group made some weird comments, which made me think were related to him and then I started mulling shit over. And then the dreams started (which usually goes with the attempt at processing) and then I had this fucking conversation with my lesbian friend at work (the orientation is relevant, I promise) and now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

The convo was quite convoluted, but in essence she suggested that perhaps he just made a mistake and that I should put myself out there and in the spirit of Christmas make contact and try to send him all that stuff that I got for him. And I explained that he screwed me over and has never apologised, so clearly doesn't give a shit and she was like, "maybe he just doesn't know how. He really wants to but he's embarrassed and doesn't know how to handle it."

I argued every point vehemently and she just looked at me and went "are you listening to yourself right now?"

And I stopped and realised I sounded like a petulant child making excuses. And then I had to go out on visits so I spent the whole rest of the day thinking about it. Damn her!

Then I got back and we talked some more and she basically was like 'you have to be open to it' (meaning love) and 'be more proactive'. And she brought up the fact that I was saying earlier that he was perfect and that I definitely like him and it's possible that he likes me, (insert lots of denial at this point) but that I don't know because I've never put it on the line.

And I played my trump card of 'but I don't want to be that girl.' and her response fucking killed me "you wouldn't be." and she then proceeded to lay out an exceptional scheme that would be worthy of Machiavelli. To which I petulantly replied ''NO WAY" and she's like "well you're the one putting up barriers then"

Then I fessed up the real reason of "I'm a proud person and then she nailed me to the wall:

"So how's that working for you? Right?
What has that gotten you? Absolutely nothing! I get that you're angry, but that's not serving any purpose for you right now, So what would you rather be, willing to admit that people make mistakes and give people the benefit of the doubt and see what happens, or would you rather be right?"

And fuck me if she didn't give me food for thought.

The problem is, it's all well and good for her to say that, she is in the unique position of having the planets finally align with someone that she fell in love with 15 freaking years ago and now they are getting married and trying to have a baby AND (here comes the orientation part) it IS different with girls.

Big grand gestures where someone declares their feelings are like crack to women, they lap that shit up. Men, however, are very different, if they're not interested, then they just think you are a stalker.

And goddamnit, at this point, these few shreds of dignity are all I have left....

But...there's this little voice in my head that goes IT'S CHRISTMAS and if you can't get away with it now, you never will and if you don't fucking resolve it once and for all you're never going to move on.

Goddamn her, she's made me feel like a Scrooge at Christmas.

So what do you think readers, should I cling to my pride and continue on assuming he's an arsehole, or do I make contact one last time and see what happens?

-me

P.s don't judge me for this, I'm tired and overly emotional and fucking Love actually was on and that was what started this whole goddamn conversation. Laura linney's character reminds me so much of him and I fucking love the signs in the doorway, but *i* don't want to be the one to do it, damnitt. Fuck that movie has a lot to answer for!

heart - break