A friend of mine made a good (if harsh) point to me today. That I can't really expect to have a conversation about what he wants if I don't have what I want clear in my head first.
I hate it, but she's right. It's like I like him, but I don't know if that's because he possesses all of these qualities I like and has his shit together. I don't know if it's because I like the attention and having someone take me on nice dates. I don't know if it's because I have been treated like shit so consistently for so long that common decency feels amazing and I am misinterpreting that for actual feelings.
I don't know if it's all of the above.
When he kisses me, I don't feel freaked out and like I want to run away, which is a good sign because I feel safe, but I'm not sure if I feel safe because I'm not actually attracted to him, because I don't want to rip his clothes off either (although, in my defence that may partially be due to the 'bitsy' style kissing).
I am trying to remember, trying desperately to remember what it felt like to develop feelings for someone/ be crazy attracted to someone and how that happened in a healthy way, without my little pattern of self sabotage where I go for the unobtainable ones...
And the scariest part is, I don't know that I have EVER really had that. Maybe with Gallus. Maybe. But that was so damn long ago, all I can remember is the fear and how uncomfortable I felt about being vulnerable and my utter terror about being abandoned and ending up more broken and hurt than I started.
Funnily enough, that is still there again. I don't even really want to look at how I actually feel about this guy, because that means being vulnerable and possibly getting hurt if I decide that I do like him and he just wants to sleep with me.
And I have avoided that for so damn long it's not funny. Going for these guys who are all wrong for me. Obsessing over the ones that I KNEW would never be mine and being turned off by the ones who offered themselves to me on a platter because it meant facing the possibility of being in a real bonafide relationship with sex and feelings and everything.
Ugh. I am so fucked up.
I know that recognising the patterns and issues is the first step, I just have no idea about where to go to from here....