What's a girl to do? (2008-07-30)

Dear Melbourne boy,

So I did something kinda crazy and I booked a flight. And while I was excited at the time, now I just feel stupid and consumed with regret.

Why why why why why did I do that?

Honestly, what possessed me?

Here I am, booking flights home because I desperately need to see my family due to the whole 'my grandpa is dying' thing and I looked at Melbourne and went 'I miss him, and I really want to pick up where we left off'.

A few clicks later and I was booked to spend 4 days in Melbourne.

A few hours later and I wasn't feeling so sure.

A few days later and I realise I'm totally fucking insane.

I haven't spoken to you in like 2 months. I have no idea what (or whom) you've been doing. I have no idea if you even remember who I am...
Okay so maybe that's a but full on, I know you remember who I am, but I don't know if you want to.

I want to see you and muck around and laugh and be touched and held and kissed and hell maybe even more if you got me worked up enough, but now I just don't know...

I don't know that you want what I want.

Hell, even I don't know what I want.

Wait, I do, I'm just scared to say it, but fuck it, that's what an anonymous diary is for, right?

I want what I had with Gallus when it was good- which unfortunately wasn't all that often, but when it was good it was awesome and exciting and comfortable and insane and perfect all at the same time.
The thing is, I don't want him because of all of the bullshit that goes with him and so I started to worry that I would never find what we had again.

And then I met you.

And somehow, I'm still not sure how, I found it again, with you, whom truth be told I never would have expected in a million years.
You made me feel safe and comfy and we just hung out and enjoyed eachother's company and hooked up and made out and laughed our arses off and got to know what the other person was about.

And it only took me 2 days and I was totally open and honest with you, in a way I have never been with a guy in my whole life. I told you things I NEVER told Gallus- and I knew him for years!

And then when I came to Melbourne around a month later I almost slept with you. I had known you for less than 6 weeks and I almost SLEPT WITH YOU, I just didn't care.

And now, I don't know, I kinda want that again. I want to tap back into that connection and actually see how far it goes this time.

Problem is I have no idea if the connection is still there, or worse still, if you actually want to explore it at all.

And now I've gone and done this incredibly dumb, reckless thing, like a total dickhead and I can't even bring myself to tell you, because I really can't handle the humiliation that I feel is kinda inevitable at this point.

And then this annoying little voice of hope pipes up and goes:
yes, but you thought that last time, and so you didn't even say anything until you were already there (and even then, it was only coz Foss made you) and then it turned out he REALLY wanted to see you and was pissed you didn't give him more notice because it meant you couldn't spend that much time together.
And then he actually SAID point blank that he wanted to see you the next time you were in town and to not be an idiot and think otherwise

AND more importantly, he made you forget Gallus and all of your issues and actually want to have sex- and you're going to give up that chance? What are you, stupid?!?!

NB: I think maybe I am...but I'm not sure for which reason at this point...

But I guess the real question is, am I stupid enough not to care about the consequences and just tell you anyway?


heart - break

current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews
quizzes | email | gbook | notes | host | image | design