Turn the page (2010-01-14)

Dear Gallus,

So, I'm not sure why exactly, but ever since Scottish Boy I have actually been progressing with my 'treatment'. My muscles seem to finally be getting their shit together and the other night, it all just relaxed, for the first time ever.

My body is not automatically freaking out and shutting off (literally), I am getting back in control. My muscles aren't just short circuiting, regardless of what I want, I am stopping the reaction in it's tracks. Finally when I tell them to relax, they are listening.

My body is learning to trust again. Granted it's just with me, but still!

Do you know what this means??

Next time I meet someone I don't have to slide into complete despair because of this stupid situation. Next time, I might just be able to handle it.

And do you know what that means?!

Kids Gallus, I might actually be able to have kids!!!!

I am trying very hard to keep the excitement in check and not get my hopes up- after all, this may all fall to shit when push comes to shove (no pun intended) and there is an actual guy involved, but I can't help it, just the thought that kids might be back on the table has me positively giddy.

And the thought that I might not have to have this shitty conversation with every guy I'm ever interested in is a nice bonus too.

God, I would give anything not to have to think about it, to just sleep with someone I'm interested in. To even just have the OPTION would be incredible! Ahahah, I can't even imagine how awesome that would be!!

Heck, I might not even need to write in here any more lol.

The funny part is, even if we hadn't split and even if you weren't with pathetic girl and even if I wasn't across the other side of the world, I don't think I could ever have slept with you again. My body would never have trusted you after what you did, so it would have always been shit and horrible and just a never ending cycle of pain and guilt.

So here's to a new chapter. Hopefully with children included!


heart - break

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