Filling the void (2002-01-29)

Dear Gallus,

So, I got a marriage proposal today. Don't worry it wasn't serious. Or, it kinda was, but not. I prolly should explain:
It was my friend Aidz, whom I have known for 7ish years now. It was his 30th birthday last week and so I sent him a gift in two parts. One was a shirt that I got him in Edinburgh- Star Wars Training Camp, fucking mint!- and I arranged it so that it was sent to his parent's house where I knew he would be on his actual Bday. I got a txt saying thanks, and he thought it was awesome and then I saw on his pics that he actually wore it that night when he went out with his bros.

The second part was beyond fucking awesome, I found this US t-shirt website that had this Dethklok merchandise. Now you may not know what this is, but anyone who loves metal (Aidz is the biggest metal head I know, even bigger than you) goes apeshit over this show called Metalocalypse (Adult Swim, hilarious!!) which is about this fake band and "It's called a grocery store you douchebags!" bwahahahahah.

Anyway, so like 3 years ago...maybe 4...Aidz introduced me to Robot Chicken and my life was never the same. (I will be grateful to my dying day.) Yeah, so we were at his place, at around 2am and he was like 'You should watch this sampler disc' and Metalocalypse was on it.

Then I sitting there, thinking, hey the Star Wars shirt is definitely cool, but I want something that is going to make him jizz his pants and I thought long and hard and went: Dethklok! See, we can't get any of that shit in Oz, and very few people even know about it, so I went "To google!" and found by far the coolest shirt I have EVER seen.

It was for a fake tour and had all of these dates on the back, with the reasons why they were cancelled, including "Band accidentally played secret crazy frequency that makes people kill themselves with rocks." I laughed my arse off and ordered it straight away, making sure that it would be sent to his actual house, because I wasn't sure how long it would take.

And so today he sends me a text saying : Part 2 arrived today and after these two gifts, I only have one question- Will you marry me?

I laughed in the middle of my clinic and sent one back: I'm going to assume that means you were pleased lol. no proposals necessary, I'm just glad you liked it :)

and he said: Had to ask, no sane man would give up a bird who knows them that well...

And then he kept texting me and eventually I realised it was really really late in Oz and so said: hey, I will email you an update with Uk stuff, but right now you should prolly go to bed it is really late!

This was his response: Thankyou for being so considerate, see what a catch you are ;P

Yes, I know. I am not an idiot. You used to do shit like that all the time and you were in love with me and I ignored the signs. I don't think he is though, really. I think he just misses Mel, who he was in love with. Alas she ripped his heart out and stomped all over it, so now they aren't even friends...sound familiar??

Yes, so there have been moments when I have seen the same signs, but given that Mel is my best mate and Nathan (yes, THAT nathan) is his brother, he's always known that I am off limits. But yeah, I can't help but feel like this is a bit of a ticking time bomb.

I would never touch him, I adore him, but not like that and then there's the history! Sigh. I must admit, I miss him, but I think it's probably a good thing that I am here and he is all the way there.

But it did get me thinking- it is really hard to find good friends of the opposite sex that know you that well. I have always had a good male friend like that though, for a long time it was you and then after you, I kinda didn't really have anyone. James sorta, but we don't get to see eachother that much.

And recently I realised that Aidz has sort of stepped into that gap. I know he would do anything for me and he is always there for me and I can tell him stuff and he will give me shit, but if it's something serious that is really upsetting, he will always support me.

He was the first person to tell me that I deserved better than you, in fact he was the first person to say out loud, to my face, that I get treated like shit by guys and he just wants to smack them upside the head because they are clearly morons, who should know that I deserve to be treated like a queen because I am a really cool chick.

He would worship the ground I walk on, I don't question that and he has always looked out for me, but I just see him in a totally platonic way- plus, Mel's leftovers, ewww lol.

I do miss all my close connections and friendships though. I never really thought about it, but I am kinda anti-social here, like I go out and stuff and hang out with my housemate, but I treat every 'relationship' like it's temporary- because it is. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will live a transitory life for the next 18 months.

It's not a bad thing exactly, but it definitely affects the way that you interact with people- there is no point in trying to get close, or attempting to connect in anything beyond a superficial way, because you just have to leave. Maybe that is why you tried to avoid classifying our relationship for so long- you always knew you were on the way out.

Anyway, given that I have a massive headache that is threating to make vomit, I'll leave this here...


heart - break

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