You're welcome to it (2010-04-05)

Dear Gallus,

So I spent many hours reading the entries of a newly discovered add(iction). So much of what he said resonated so strongly- the anger, the pain, the sheer helplessness when someone you thought loved you manages to shatter your world into a thousand tiny pieces. And the worst part is, you can't even hate them, because you still love them so much all you can do is concentrate on breathing in and out so that your entire being is not sucked backwards into the blackhole formerly known as your heart.

Oh yeah, I get that. I was right there, in that hellish existence for far far too long really. And I suppose the only good part of this, is that today I was able to look back and remember- but it was remembering, rather than feeling anew.

And all of my thoughts of you, are of showing you what you lost and lecturing you on how fucked up you are and the mess you made of your life. It surprises me these days, how far I have come.

My life is a bit of a mess, true, but I am overseas and seeing the world and my treatment is progressing at last. I am able to push the boundaries much further now and certain excruciating things no longer hurt at all, so the muscles are definitely adjusting FINALLY. Take THAT psychosomatic contractions!

So tonight I am listening to Birds of Tokyo (look them up readers!) and all I want to tell you is " You say I'm wrong, you say I'm mad, if I stay here I'll never make it back! I hear your words, they call my name. I won't go back, you must be out of your heeeaaadd".

I will never ever go back to the emotional black hole that was our relationship. I shall leave all of the misery to you shall I?


heart - break

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