Blah blah blah (2010-04-11)

Dear Gallus,

Sooo here are some thoughts from inside my head- in no particular order:

- I always thought Seasonal Affective Disorder (yes, SAD, literally) was a load of shit. But then today it was simply GORGEOUS, sunny and lovely and I really did feel bizarrely happy for no particular reason. And I must confess that the grey drab blandness has begun to irritate me somewhat. So maybe I will feel more cheery with some sunshine?

- My eyes are changing colour, they are mega blue at the moment. But not a bright blue, more like a deep, dark, sea blue. I just noticed while plucking my eyebrows- it's quite disconcerting when you expect to see green eyes and they're not the eyes looking back at you.

- My body, for reasons known only to itself, has decided to finally start responding to the treatment. This sudden bout of progress has been exciting, but also miraculously motivating to keep trying.
This means that I am actually being a good girl and going through it almost every day- which is perhaps also partially to thank for the progress, but either way, I am beyond relieved, you have no idea.

I am still cautious about the whole thing though, still taking it easy, still testing, testing, pushing the boundary, gently, gently, trying to pay more attention to the responses and not pushing it if there is even the slightest twinge. I am being much nicer to myself and being more patient, not getting as frustrated with the situation and at last, I am getting results! It is about goddamn time!

I am trying not to think (read:freak out) about what will happen if/when there's someone else in the picture. I know that it may all fall to shit once more (and I am warning you now, I will be PISSED if that happens), but at the same time I am trying to take comfort from the fact that I have managed to maintain previous gains for some time now- stuff really didn't hurt with Scottish boy, so that's one thing that is back on the menu that wasn't even an option before, so progress!

- Work continues to be a bit of a nightmare. They informed me on Wednesday that apparently my job no longer existed due to a freeze being placed on all bank and locum positions across the entire PCT. Then on Friday they said that they have managed to extend the funding til the end of the month. Maybe. They think. Hopefully.

It is at this point that I said that I would only consider staying until the end of the time that I have accommodation- which is a couple of days earlier, but smeh.

So, it has all kind of worked out, in that it was a total shitstorm in a teacup, but the more time I spend there, the more it drives me nuts. They just have no fucking idea when it comes to evidenced based practice. Like all of this stuff that is just standard in Oz is totally unheard of here- they at least do Lidcombe, thank fuck, but have never heard of Camperdown, or Smooth Speech- WTF?! Even I know them and I'm comparatively shit at dysfluency!

God and the phon/artic stuff is truly terrifying. They are still on Van Riper (Um, did I miss something? Are we back in the Stone Age? *shudders*) and look at me strangely when I talk about markedness and system based shift.
Um it is a phonological disorder i.e problems with their phonological system, so why the fuck are you wasting everyone's time going through a developmental sequence that is by it's very nature impaired?? If they were following the developmental pattern they would not be in your office dipshit. And of course it takes forever if you don't actually address the phonological representation. Jeeez-us!

I used a Caroline Bowen technique and voila, a child went from unstimulable to 95% accuracy in 5 minutes- AND I didn't have to fuck about at syllable level! And that is not me, that is just how it works if you actually do it PROPERLY. And yet, they look at you like you are speaking in Swahili.

I swear, I just want to take to entire departments here with a giant sledgehammer. At the very least I would love for them to actually THINK about the way that they do things and why- just coz it is the way it has always been is not good enough!

Arrghh! So freaking frustrating! I will never complain about the quality of Speech Rx in my own country ever again!

Moving on...

- I have been reading lots of diaries. And I love it when I read someone else's words expressing my thoughts. I like it less so when someone tries to go on a big existential rant and misspells existential-repeatedly *snickers*. Seriously people, I say it with love, you can talk about whatever you want (it's your diary), but if you are trying to use big words, spell check! (Thank you)

- I am feeling very virtuous as I actually did a whole bunch of research for my (motherfucking) cookie theft (how I hate thee) assignment- first thing on a Saturday morning no less! I also finished my other (easier) assignment today, almost 3 weeks early. It was great, once I realised that it was all about the use of possessive rather than object pronouns due to erroneous rule formation (which is all 'herself's fault if you ask me) it was like 'Ohhhhh' and I pumped that shit out in less than half an hour.

But, in order to be truly virtuous I need to stop crapping on about shit no-one else will understand and go and finish my other assignment- which is alas much, much more boring.

Oh yeah, I deleted your number. I'm not sure why it took me so long, but now all the ties are well and truly severed.

It feels kinda nice.


heart - break

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