I talked about you for the first time in a while today. And I wasn't upset, or angry, it was genuinely more like discussing distant memories- which is what it was, but usually I have some kind of weird emotional pang. Not this time.
Meanwhile I had this totally random memory of this really beautiful text message out of the blue the other day and I thought it had been from Aidz, but then I realised that actually it was from you. I had written it down you see and I found it this afternoon.
And it took my breath away. But in that way when you read something really powerful and you think 'WOW'. Again, no emotional pang, or at least not the standard one, it was more poignant or...bittersweet maybe? I don't know, it was quite complex and multi-layered, so I don't really have the words.
It wasn't bad, I know that much. It was kind of amazing. I think I read what you had written to me so many many many moons ago and, because I had forgotten about it for so damn long and then when I re-read it I realised what it really meant and it hit me:
You loved me.
Yes, you were fucked up and it was all messy and shitty at times, but underneath it all was this really intense love and...devotion I guess.
You worshipped me, years before I even looked at you 'that way'. And that's what I realised today, possibly for the first time, you loved me, fully expecting me to never love you back. In a bizarre way it was such a pure, selfless love, which I know sounds utterly ridiculous given everything that happened, but I truly, genuinely believe that, probably for the first time ever.
And strangely enough, it makes me feel better. Regardless of all of the shit and drama and angst, you loved me, possibly more than I ever knew. And you did it without expecting anything in return. And that is something I can take with me and secret away, deep inside, next to that piece of my heart that will always be yours, this knowledge that you were mine too.
So thank you for that.
I hope you're doing okay. I truly do.