Dear Readers,

So, the whole thing did not go as expected. For a start he had actually organised something, for the first time ever. He even had food waiting for me at the restaurant when I arrived, which was pretty fucking awesome.

Then we went back to his apartment and admired the view for a while (it was amazing) and en route he showed me off to the concierge who did everything short of high fiving him. We watched an ep of peep show (which he loved) and then the big scary chats began.

Except, it turns out, they weren't big and scary at all. Don't get me wrong, it was as intense as hell, but it was all so damn easy and just sort of flowed.

So we talked and talked and talked. And then made out. And then talked some more. And then went to his bed and talked some more and kissed some more. And then he slept while I mulled everything over.

And eventually it sort of crystalised for me, that I could see this as a deal breaker, or as an opportunity. A big, very well timed opportunity.

I have been thinking for a while that I need someone to help me with my treatment. I have gone as far as I can by myself and now I have a specialist physio and a doctor, but at the end of the day, it can all be awesome when I'm on my own, or in a clinic, but when push comes to shove and there's another person involved, it might all fall apart. Again.

And that is one of my greatest fears, that after all of this work, it still might not be enough and I will be rejected and then I will have lost everything. Again. And ideally, I would meet someone who was willing to wait and work on it and all of that sort of thing, but as I get older that becomes increasingly unrealistic.

And, also, the problem with that scenario is that there is a lot on the line, regardless of timing. In fact, I think it would be worse if it was after a long build up, because I would feel so much pressure to have it be great, that I would probably just go through with it, even if it was painful.

So, I have been toying with the idea of contacting Gallus and arranging to try it again with him- because my body already trusts him, but there's not so much on the line as before. The issue is that I would be playing with fire, as while I don't have the same feelings I once did, I think it would bring up a lot of old stuff.

Again, ideally, I would have a Gallus equivalent, a good friend that I trusted that would help me out and help me with my homework, but without expecting us to have sex. Finding such a person was impossible...I thought, and then Tuesday happened and now I have realised that maybe I met this guy for a reason.

Not a relationship, because I still feel very detached about him like that, (although I enjoy his company and we get along ridiculously well), but a very very special friendship that I don't know that I could have with anyone else.

Because of his stuff, he is in the unique position of being incredibly non-judgemental, but also, not being bothered if we have sex or not. And so, I proposed a compromise- we keep seeing eachother/hanging out as friends but with some unusual benefits: he gets to do what he needs to do for him and he helps me with my treatment.

And he is 100% on board, providing that I am okay and doing what is right for me and keeping myself safe emotionally. And we have the option of being proper 'just friends' without any extras if needed.

And thus I found myself today being touched for the first time in a loooooonnnggg time, and it was amazing. I had so much damn fun. And I felt good about myself afterwards AND most importantly, my muscles all relaxed and I made some progress with some stuff.

The two super intense, super awesome orgasms (one of which lasted for 5 minutes) didn't hurt either ;)

Hopefully I can navigate all of this without falling back into old patterns, but I am thinking that the amazing communication that we have is a massive positive and that I am also much more aware of my needs and triggers than I used to be.

In the meantime I will leave you with a small selection of the amazing things he has said to me in the past 24 hrs:

"You're a strong, smart and independent woman and you're geeky as hell."

"I don't think of you as the broken one, I think you're the one who is healing."

"I know a whole bunch of people who are way more fucked up than you and they haven't had half of the bad stuff happen to them that you've had. I think you're doing amazingly well."

"You're pretty together from what I can tell. You're smart, confident, happy. Highly anxious, but that doesn't stop you from being happy and let's face it, you have reasons for that anxiety."

(when my body wasn't coming to the party and I got frustrated) "I think you need to be nicer to yourself and more forgiving. It's okay, this is not a goal directed activity."

"You are absolutely amazing at that, particularly given that you're out of practice." [damn straight!]

"Not only do I like you as a person, but I like you as a person more than I want to fuck you, actually."

"Thank you for today, it was a pretty fucking amazing day, wasn't it?'

(when he was dropping me off) "Thank you for trusting me."

Wish me luck guys!

-Me

heart - break