This is going to be somewhat brief for me, as I am on 5% battery power and also need to sleep.
So MONA guy and I are talking again- or texting really, but it's still in this holding pattern, as I have no idea how it is going to move forward. He's more friendly this time around and is actually asking my questions and using exclamation marks etc. so that's an improvement (I know this sounds silly but this guy is super reserved and weird via text).
It's the moving on from text into real life that seems to be the issue.
Part of this may be me and my whole push/pull thing that I have going, but what I have come to realise is that there is a major difference between this situation and others over the past few years. And it's quite simple really:
I want him.
It's fucking terrifying, but I want him, seemingly more than I want to be safe.
For once, I actually know that given the chance, if he rocked up on my doorstep (or whatever) I would definitely see it through. I think for the first time in a looong time I would actually be able to ignore that part of me that screams runrunrunrunrunrunrun and take my chances and do it.
I've been back into my treatment, which hadn't backslid anywhere near as much as I had thought it might and certain things are in fact better and easier than before.
And this is all after I had a really rough weekend after an intense psych appointment that had me feeling like the entire situation was hopeless (again). The thing is, now that I am on the other side I realise that it IS different, I HAVE progressed. And, perhaps most importantly, I AM SICK OF BEING AFRAID.
I am FED UP with being ruled by my stupid past. Fuck him and fuck all of that, I am in control of my life now and my future and I refuse to let all of that fucked up shit influence it.
Do you hear me universe? I AM IN CHARGE. So, you know what, bring it the fuck on, I might be afraid, but I'm going to damn well do it anyway.