Pandora's (in)Box (2014-05-23)

Dear Gallus,

So after 6 years of us not speaking and…5 since you last tried to contact me, you reached out this week. The curious part of my mind went, wait a sec, why now? Turns out you just got engaged- thankfully not to the crazy girl who looked like me. Thus I assumed this was an attack of the guilts and perhaps an 'I should contact all of my old friends and tell them how well I am doing.'

Except it wasn't, was it. You didn't email Mel or Foss or anyone else that I can tell, just me.

Thinking that you had moved on- finally- and were happy- FINALLY- I responded in a light, nice way, basically saying that providing she was cool with it, maybe we could be friends.

And then this morning the emotional outpouring began. I had an email waiting full of angst and drama and all of the shit I have come to associate with you, but stupidly thought might have been in the past.

And I felt bad, because seemingly you are still tortured about what happened whereas I'm just…not. Don't get me wrong, I still have issues, but they are nowhere near as dark and spiky as when we were together and almost everything that actually has something to do with you is resolved. I forgave you a long time ago it seems, which just goes to show that if you say something to yourself often enough and for long enough, it does actually become true.

I wanted to forgive you, I wanted to let you go. And I did. The problem is that seemingly you haven't been able to forgive yourself, or let go of me. Even after 7 years and being engaged to someone else, you still reach out to me.

I'm genuinely not quite sure what makes me so damn special. As in, obviously I am awesome, but I don't know why I have so much pull with you, like my own personal form of gravity or something.

And part of me is worried. I don't want to go back to that place where I am 22 and you are my person and then I am devastated when it all falls to shit because all of the drama and angst creates this emotional vortex that fucks us both up.

I have had a week of random contact from a whole bunch of people from my past- you, an old friend, an old work colleague. Christ, who is next? All I need is the Boy to make a reappearance my romantic bermuda triangle will be complete.

Having said that, I did reply to the angsty email, attempting to defuse the situation and maybe that has worked because I haven't heard from you again. At the same time, I don't think it will be that simple or easy. It never is with you, is it?


heart - break

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