Panic attacks are bullshit (2014-08-12)

Dear Readers,

I had a panic attack at work yesterday whilst in a meeting with my boss. It was Not Fun. Bloody came out of nowhere too. I haven't had one of those in a very long while (as in 10yrs). Anxiety attacks where I want to puke, yes; panic attacks where I feel like something is crushing my chest and I can't breathe and holy shit I think I might be dying, no. I had forgotten how incredibly shit they are and just how much they fuck with my body afterwards.

Because my body is weird and reacts strangely to both stimulants (they make me sick) and depressants (they either make me sick, or hysterical) an adrenaline spike pretty much nails me for 24 hrs afterwards. I get the shakes and muscle fatigue and often can't sleep, even though I am mentally and physically exhausted because I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

Last time I had a massive adrenaline spike (due to a fire that I witnessed and being petrified that either people or their pets had been hurt) I had a delayed reaction but the next day it was like I had the flu. I felt so wretched, I was puking and sweating and achey and I was so weak I actually couldn't move.

It wasn't as bad this time- mostly I think because the spike wasn't as intense or for as long a period- but I definitely felt like arse this morning and dragged myself to work by sheer force of will. I should have stayed home, but home is such a shit place for me, with my housemate being so fucking awful that I didn't even want to. That is how bad my living situation is right now.

Thankfully I found out today that I can move into this really nice place that I saw on the weekend. Thank all that is holy, I was worried I had come across as a bit nuts (the desperation was palpable), but I think my promise to pay bills on time (which I do genuinely do) got me across the line.

Anyway, I am still feeling shaky, so should probably bid you all adieu and attempt to recover some of my sleep debt.



heart - break

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