Where to start? The beige is back. I am back home and my mother is driving me nuts, part of which is due to me being unfair, I know, but just, ugh.
I am trying to hold onto these fleeting moments of joy that I do experience, brief flashes of colour in the neutral landscape, but they flutter through my fingertips with the breeze. Perhaps if I write them down, they might become more solid
1) Hugging/being hugged by my baby brother. I love that boy so much, in that fierce unconditional way that people talk about with mothers and their children. I get thought of as being heartless, but when I love, I do so deeply and with tenacity. I put down roots with that shit. So being hugged by him, it's like HOME. If you blindfolded me and had random people silently hug me, I would still know it was him. We are kindred, we have shared pain.
I never really thought about it until this week when I saw a new psych- who was utterly shit, but she did ask me one interesting thing, which is surprising given she is such a total moron which was 'Why do you think you have anxiety? What happened to cause you to feel this way, if you have felt like this since you were little?'
And it was funny, obviously there was the abuse, but this truth is, I was always a worrier, even before that. There's been lots of death in my family from cancer, but it's not really related to that either. I think it's the moving and the uncertainty and complete lack of control I felt in my own life up until the age of about 10, coupled with the pressure and expectation of brilliance.
Anyway, I thought about it and about how that, along with our father and his bullshit have shaped us all in different ways. Older brother is a genius. Aloof, brilliant, but damaged. Struggles to connect, because he lacks empathy. He can express concern and interest, but it's a watered down version and I doubt he actually feels it. He is very charming, but he is also very closed, somewhat like a bag of M&Ms- there is this hard outer shell, different colours for different people, but always disguising the inside.
Middle brother is a bit of a mess. I love him to bits though, that's what makes it hard. Ironically he is the best of us, the nicest, the kindest, the funniest- but he is also the softest, and the world beats him down. It is too harsh for people like him, who want everyone to be happy and cannot bear suffering in any form. He the exact opposite of my older one, he feels too much. I try to bolster him, but our family doesn't get it, doesn't get that he needs support, that he fears disappointing them so that it becomes crippling. I truly wish he could do what I did- go away and find out what he is like away from all of the expectation, where he can choose the face he presents to the world. Because he is amazing, if only he could see it in himself.
And then there is the baby. Who, I realised this week, is like me in more ways than I realised. We suffered the most at the hands of our father- in different ways- and were irrevocably altered as a result. We are stronger, more resilient, and if I'm being honest, probably more bitter. We have learned the hard way- being betrayed by both of our parents in different ways- that the only person we can truly rely upon is ourselves (and I hope that he knows he can rely on me sometimes, I've worked hard to prove that).
But yes, if I think about it, that is why we are close and why we have a certain bond and connection. We have been through hell, mostly at the hands of our father, because our mother couldn't (or wouldn't in his case) protect us- although it took a very different guise for him. That changes you as a person, it truly does. It makes you harder, colder and tougher on yourself, as well as other people. It makes me wonder who I would be, if all of that never happened and I wonder who he would be.
When I'm with him though, I don't think about any of that, I am just myself. Totally and without pre tense. There are very few people that I allow myself that kind of freedom with. I have been through too much and hurt too badly. Never with him though, he'd rather die.
So yes. I know it's weird, but in some ways I think we are closer than most siblings, more like twins maybe? So hugging him was amazing. I felt truly genuinely happy for the first time since October.
2) The random little things that a friend of mine does to make me smile. She sent me a picture of her failed gingerbread today and I was a bit down and it cheered me right up. She makes me laugh, like from the stomach, from the depths of my soul laugh out loud laugh. People think she is flaky and ditzy, but they actually don't really know her. She is the most loyal person I have ever met and she has my back, always. She has my trust and my loyalty for life for that, she really does.
3) Being surrounded by water. I got to go swimming today and it was so ridiculously soothing, you have no idea. I don't have the words for the sensation of peace and wellbeing it brings me. I think this is why the next time I have sex I think I need to start with a bath (or a shower at a pinch) first. It is probably the only time (except post orgasm) where I truly relax.
Anyway, I should probably go and eat something and then go to bed early. I'm utterly exhausted.