Sorry for the epically long delay between entries, but no shit, this year, particularly the last 6 months has been by far the craziest and most insane of my whole life.
In the space of a week I:
But I am sure you all want to know about the amazing guy. Yeah so, he was perfect, super tall, cute, we locked eyes and it was just like 'Oh, hello, there you are.'We talked the entire 3 hour plane ride and just had the weirdest stuff in common. We both love to travel, and love the ocean, and lived in England, and work in healthcare (he actually knew what my job was, huzzah!), and love food, and he made a dad joke as his opening line and I was like 'This, THIS is what I have been waiting for.' I also happened to be dating someone else at the time, but realised that I needed to dump him, as he just didn't compare.
Anywho, Plane Guy got my number, and kissed me after we got off the plane and said we would go out to dinner next time he was in my city, and texted me five minutes after he left to say that he was so happy to have met me. And it was all very fairytale like and incredible.
It turned out to also be fairytale like in terms of being utter fiction/bullshit. Sigh.
I won't go into details, suffice to say that he strung me along for a couple of months, culminating in him saying I should come and visit and then when I arranged to (including buying flights) he suddenly told me the day before I was due to fly out that he had actually booked a work trip and would be in my city that weekend.
And then he continued to bullshit about desperately wanting to see me etc etc. but the damage was done. He made me feel like a fool, and he hurt me through sheer thoughtlessness that was so extreme that it was actually callous. There was no coming back from that. Consider this a public service announcement- if you think you are a good guy, but hurt people without remorse, as well as lie and misrepresent yourself, guess what, you're actually not a good guy, you're an asshole.
The day after I got back from my weekend where Plane Guy lives- I luckily have friends there that I was able to stay with and it turned out to be lovely and relaxing- I went out and fucked a random. Well not fucked fucked, but rather tied up (at his request) and then had my way with. I decided that after the recent shitty experiences I wouldn't bother with the penetration bit and just do all the other things that I enjoy, which I did. And I am glad I stuck to that decision and didn't let him fuck me for the hell of it, as he was really kind of weird afterwards and totally inconsiderate, and of course I have never heard from him again. Which I was cool with, as I had had my fun and it served its purpose.
I really needed it, as the day before I was informed of a family tragedy in a totally blasé way by my mother (ahh narcissists, such fun!). My baby cousin died at 6 weeks old, and she was so fucking callous about it, talking about her like she wasn't a person because she had Downs. Even thinking about the things that she said to me during that conversation makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Around all of this I finally decided that I had had enough of the bullshit at work and started applying for jobs. I got two really high level interviews and got offered one job which I almost didn't take, but then I figured that I could just try it out for 6 months and then see what happens.
I have been working there for just shy of 6 weeks properly and I swear I feel like a totally different person. I am HAPPY. I don't go home and think about work. I don't wake up at 4am perseverating about whatever bullshit drama or crisis is happening that week- and there always was one.
It's also just turned out to be way cooler than I imagined. I had a stressful few weeks at the beginning when I thought I was in way over my head (Imposter Syndrome styles), but everyone has been so lovely, and they also (apart from one person) all fucking love me. It's been weird, as I realised that I have never actually had a job where I wanted so desperately to be good at it, but wasn't sure that I was.
Because I have always had clinical roles- which I have smashed out of the park- I have never thought about it, but I always went in with a base level of competence, and general confidence in my skills. This was a whole different thing, I felt for a while like I was in a very tiny row boat in the middle of a vast ocean. I wasn't technically drowning, but it felt like I could be at any moment.
That has mostly passed. Every week I am becoming more ingrained within the team, and being asked to level up and do more and more advanced shit. And I LOVE it. I was worried I would be bored, but I don't actually see any chance of that happening. I also thought I would miss my kiddos far more than I do. Don't get me wrong, I had some super cute cherubs this year, but the actual work environment was so toxic and there was so much other bullshit that even the cutest children alive couldn't keep me there.
The hardest part is that now I know I can never go back. Which is desperately sad, as it was meant to be my dream job, and on paper it is, but the bucket of crabs that is that place with everyone constantly pulling you down, makes it a nightmare.
The week I fucked the random, I also went on a date with a new guy who was not my type, but he organised the date, and we managed to talk on the phone for an hour with ease, so I figured one dinner wouldn't hurt. I met him and I was like 'Yeah, not my type' but he was lovely and then he offered to drive me home.
Now, keep in mind that I have not always had the best of luck with guys in this arena. I was sexually assaulted by a guy who was just "walking me to my car" when I was 19, as well as yelled at more recently by a guy dropping me home from a date when we made a wrong turn. The person I was dating when I met Plane Guy never got to be in a car with me, I just never trusted him, but I don't know, when this guy offered, rather than being 'Nu-uh, I don't know you', I just knew he would be fine.
And then in the car he said the most incredible thing to me. I was talking about how I wanted to swear, but it was a first date, so I was reining it in and he said, completely genuinely "No, I want you to swear. I want you to be yourself with me....like who you are when you're just at home on your couch, that's who I want to get to know."
Yep. That happened. So whilst he wasn’t my type, I figured he had earned another date.
On our next date he brought up marriage and kids and we talked about all of that. And then afterwards he sent me a text saying "I like how we can talk about anything". And I liked that too, so I went on another date with him. And that time he asked me in the middle of my favourite bakery whilst I was stuffing my face with a delicious passionfruit tart "So, what would you say is the most important thing in your childhood that influenced who you are today?"
Err, I'm sorry, what? Who the fuck ARE you?
FYI- didn't tell him the real answer 'Probably the fact my father was an abusive arsehole'. My psychologist and I are still debating if I will ever tell him about all of that- she thinks I should, I disagree because I think it will really upset him for no reason- but I digress.
I just kept going on dates with him, and he has turned out to be next level amazing personality wise. I swear, I am a communication specialist, but I have never in my life met a non-psychologist who has such incredible EQ. To be honest it's probably better than some psychs I know!
He worships the ground I walk on. He likes the same stuff and is SO EXCITED that I do too. He likes food, and particularly making me happy by taking me to my favourite restaurants and watching me eat. He is organised, and actually plans dates, it's the best!
But do you want to know what my absolute favourite thing is? He is not reactive. I can say literally anything to him- about his clothes, or our sex life, or religion, or refugee policy and he just listens, and reflects on it, and then we talk about it like adults. It bears repeating- WE JUST TALK ABOUT IT LIKE ADULTS. No fights, no drama. To be clear he isn’t a doormat, he has thoughts and opinions, but he respects mine.
A close second is that he is the most considerate man I have ever met. He actually thinks about me, and how things might affect me, and acts accordingly. He respects my time, and never gets pouty about me working, or wanting to see my friends, he is just happy to see me when he can. He remembers things I tell him and checks in when we next talk/see each other.
He has been absolutely incredible with the most recent round of drama with my mum fucking me over, and has just stepped up to the plate without batting an eyelid.
"Your mum (who is retired) was meant to help you paint? No worries, I will get painting stuff from my parents, and give up my weekend-after I have been working overtime- to help you. I will also get my parents -whom you have never met- to help you if you need it.
Ok, now for reals, what the fuck is this? This automatic support thing, is that normal for you? IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE ACT?! Apparently, according to him, yes.
So yeah, it's been going from strength to strength in almost every way. Except for one important aspect- I don't find him hot. I trust him, and feel safe with him, and love his company, and I care about him a lot, but if I was in a room full of guys and going on looks alone, he is not who I would pick out as my life partner.
The sex has also been a bit of an issue. Not terrible, just not amazing. Like about a 6 out of 10. Now, this is not unusual for me, but in this case it seems to more related to our actual sexual connection, rather than vaginismus issues.
And I don't know, shouldn't the person I end up with be someone who takes care of me, but also the person where I can't wait to take their clothes off? Shouldn't the sex be the best I have ever had in my life? And what if it's not? Does that mean that it's not sustainable long term, even though all the emotional stuff is?
We went away- which I have never done with a romantic partner- and I was really worried/freaked out that he would annoy me, and I would get sick of him, but that didn't happen. Not even close. I was around him for 3 days straight, and I had an AMAZING time. It was so nice, and relaxing, and just…easy. Not boring, just lovely. And I didn't want to kill him! Who would have thought?
The sex did actually legitimately suck that weekend though- we just couldn't get it together, despite trying different positions etc., it was weird. It was fine the night before we left, and the afternoon we got back, but I wasn't sure if that because it was non penetrative.
And of course, me being me, I had to talk about it, so we did. I told him I was worried about our sexual connection, and he was very calm, and considered, and basically said that he didn't think it was a problem, we just have different sex drives and that we were also away, and it was a weird bed/house/space etc.
I was honestly quite concerned, but then this most recent weekend it definitely stepped up a notch. It went from a 6 to an 8, so I think I can possibly work with this long term. It definitely helps that he is happy to talk about/work on things. And like I said, no fights or tears about it either, we just talked about it the way that we talk about work issues or whatever. And then he remembered what I said, and tried a couple of things, and it seemed to make a difference.
So yeah, to recap, within the space of 6 months I:
Oh and did I mention I will be applying to start my PhD next year?
But first, moving! See you in a while peeps